Aversion Therapy

Some people wear rubber bands around their wrists and snap themselves when they have an inappropriate thought or do some undesirable behavior.  I'm not much for rubber band therapy... but am no stranger to the overall concept of aversion therapy.  Do or think bad...punishment follows.  My punishments are typically logical thoughts following the illogical/bad thoughts.  I very rarely do anything bad these days.  For the most part, logic wins and I don't have useless thoughts for long.  Sometimes it's extremely simple... so simple that the second part of the thought can cancel the first.  For example: he's really hot...except for that neck tattoo.  

Apparently there's a down side to prolonged use of aversion therapy, though...  Once you've gone through the logical thoughts...a few dozen times...to no avail, they cease to mean anything at all.  I can tell myself an honest, logical truth...and immediately dismiss it for the more favorable/interesting bad thought.  Eventually I'll skip the logical part altogether...because maybe he looks good in turtlenecks, and that IS a book he's holding...  If I'm reminded of it somehow (this is Arizona and no one wears a turtleneck when it's 110 out), I push it out of my mind immediately (everywhere is air conditioned..and he can read).  This is a conditioning thing.  Clearly I'm able to ignore myself...go against my best interests...to satisfy my hedonistic fleeting desires...anything with a neck tattoo would be fleeting.  Clearly my punishments aren't good enough...or I'm just not able to trick myself.  I'm guessing the latter.  Either way, this is a side-effect that I sort of anticipate.  If I want something bad enough, no amount of reasoning will change my mind.  The want becomes a need...and then there's no turning back.

There is a side-effect that I didn't expect, though.  I had no idea there'd be a subconscious...leaking...of desire.  I can do avoidance - physically and emotionally.  I can remind myself time and time again that thinking/doing/seeing/etc. will lead to suffering on some profound level.  That's good enough for me because I don't like suffering, especially not over and over again for the same reason... so keeps the avoidance going strong.  Sadly, I have no control over my subconscious.  Now I have dreams about the things I avoid.  The dreams are vivid and emotionally charged, and they're impossible to forget.  I'll spend an entire day in a dream haze...and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

And the absolute worst thing about all of it is that my dreams are almost always a million times better than the reality of any situation.  They're better than the best possible outcomes.  It's not a reiteration of the logical side of things... it's what would never happen, even in the best of circumstances, if the illogical thoughts/actions were the right choices - they're dreams in more than one sense.  There was a time recently when I dreamed of cheeseburgers most nights.  It was the result of not being able to eat greasy foods without pain (gallbladders are not fun when they misbehave).  I thought about foods that I wanted, but never gave in because the pain wasn't worth it.  I was so consumed with what I couldn't have that it seeped into my subconscious and flooded my dreams.  I still can't really have the foods I want, but my mind has given me a cheeseburger break.  Guess it has bigger issues to sort out... and leave me reeling from all day.

Not that I'm complaining...not really...I love the dreams.  It's like living an alternate life.  If only there weren't that little bit of disappointment that comes with waking up...