The disappointment of dreams realized...

I have been thinking a lot about the Pacific Northwest lately.  I'm not sure what's to blame for this... it's been something in the back of my mind for a while, but...lately I haven't been able to quiet it as effectively as usual.  The last time I was there was nearly 18 years ago.  I just have a feeling it'd be a good place for me.

And that makes me worry.

Quite a few years ago I was deeply involved in a long-distance relationship with Santa Fe, NM.  It was entirely one-sided, as I highly doubt Santa Fe was checking out my pics online...but I was happy anyway.  I sort of felt like that would be my home.  Like, if I went there, I would instantly feel right and just want to stay forever and ever.  One summer after visiting family, my mother and I decided to stop there on our way back home.  What a mistake.

I found myself nearly crushed by stampeding tourists.  They all looked the same, too.  First came the slightly taller than average, skinny, mean-looking woman.  Trotting along behind her was a downtrodden, chubby man in golf shorts and sandals with socks, carrying bags full of stuff the skinny woman just couldn't live without.  The sorts of things they purchased were the usual mass-produced southwestern artifacts found in truck stops all along the highway.  Maybe, just maybe, they'd stop to look at what the street vendors had to offer... but would probably just respond with something like, "how quaint," and move on to the next air conditioned shop.  That might be a jewelry shop, where the skinny woman would get something made of turquoise that she'll never have occasion to wear.   And of course no trip would be complete without the obligatory piece of genuine southwestern art - a painting that would look right at home on the wall of a budget motel.  I'd be willing to bet that many of the paintings were also mass-produced.  Did I mention that all the tourists were over 55?  Well...they were.

Maybe Santa Fe just wasn't the artsy place I was expecting... because I was expecting hippies...not droves of assholes talking way too loudly on their cell phones and not watching where they're going.

I worry that if I go back to Oregon or Washington, the people will ruin the scenery.  Or worse, the scenery won't live up to the dream.

mommy's little 'situation'

Last night I had an amazing dream.  I was in the most beautiful place...it was a cross between Tuscany and the Pacific Northwest.  I took Oliver through beautiful streets full of cute little shops and houses down to a beach that was surrounded by forest and mountains.  There were pirate ships...and a little pirate cove for kids to play in, too.  It was so beautiful, and it smelled like fall...I could have lived there forever.  I love that dreams like that leave me sort of hung over for the day...I'll wander in a happy daze.  Sadly, instead of blissful daydreaming, I realized the sadness I feel over the difference between my dream world and the real world.  This world will never live up to the one in my head.  :\

But let me get to the reason...because I would have failed to realize the difference if I hadn't been forced into reality.  I had to go out to the RV place today to pick up some paperwork.  I figured I'd be there for all of 5 mins, so I took Oliver with me.  One of the women was really nice to him.  The other scowled at him as though he was some sort of vermin I'd let in.  That woman then said something about that being a "professional place," and she "hoped I had enough time to take care of the situation before starting work."  She nodded toward my kid when she said the word "situation."  I can't help but be completely insulted.  I have no idea how I managed to keep my mouth shut.  This woman was nice during the interview...Now I feel like they're probably just a bunch of nasty old ladies.  I know I'm not what they're looking for personality-wise, and that I'm a good 40 years younger than they'd like me to be...but I was pretty prepared to keep my mouth shut and act like some watered-down version of myself.  I'm guessing I'll actually have to be someone else entirely...and I swear if anyone calls my kid a "situation" again I'm not going to hold back.  I'll most certainly get fired... but how can someone be so disrespectful and yet expect me to respect her??

Why are people so disappointing?  It seems like the only really consistent thing about 'em... Blah.

Guess I'll go make dinner and maybe watch Twilight...for the scenery.  Or finish Freaks and Geeks, which is totally excellent.

the new seasons

I can't believe that I completely forgot to talk about the TV boyfriends.  I've sort of gotten addicted to watching a LOT of shows...which I guess is what happens when you have a little one who goes to sleep early and nothing else to do after he's asleep.

Monday night started with House (no TV boyfriend there...but Hugh Laurie is a pretty spectacular actor).  The episode was actually pretty weak.  The entire last season was weak...so I can't say that I was really expecting it to be amazing.  BUT!  Monday night continued with Gossip Girl.  I'm sure that some people who know me would be sort of confused by the fact that I'm so addicted to such a show...but I am...and I have no good excuse.  Or, well... My excuse is Chuck Bass.  He's my Monday night man.  The season actually started last week, so I've now had two episodes that have been at least somewhat about him to satisfy my cravings.  Gossip Girl is not disappointing at all...so far.  There's plenty of drama...so those of us who completely lack real-life drama have our needs met.  And c'mon...he's Chuck Bass.  So...that was Monday.



On Tuesday there is no TV boyfriend... But there is Glee.  I was sadly disappointed with the premier episode :\  Last season was really great...maybe they're losing steam.  Oh well.  After Glee, I was too lazy to change the channel, so I watched Raising Hope and whatever the show after that was called.  Raising Hope was absolutely terrible in all the right ways.  I was properly offended more than once.  There was all kinds of stupidity, a really cute baby, and a senile old lady.  I'm not sure why I can tolerate morons on TV so well, but I just want to stab them with sporks or run them over in real life (misplaced footnote...kneenote?...I'm a pacifist.  I usually just stare blankly and later mourn the loss of my brain cells...).  It was pretty great... I might watch it again.  The next show was just terrible.  It was supposed to be funny, but it wasn't.  Oh well.  That's probably why I don't remember what it was called.

Wednesday is a pretty great night for TV.  The only show I've been addicted to since before Oliver was born is Criminal Minds.  I suppose it's also safe to say that I've also been addicted to Dr. Spencer Reid for quite some time (and also Matthew Grey Gubbler).  He's a rare one...because I actually think the real guy is pretty interesting, too.  Most of the time, TV personalities lack real life personalities.  It's because of that that I primarily watched cartoons until recently.  Anyway...Criminal Minds started off strong this season.  The finale to the cliffhanger from last season reminded me just how creepy Tim Curry is.  Seriously, I know he's just an actor and he's probably a pleasant-enough guy, but if I bumped into him anywhere after dark, I'd scream and run away.  The episode was beautifully done...and sad.  My only complaint is that there was not nearly enough Spencer.  We need more Spencer-focused episodes.  Anyway...next week's episode is gonna be horrible, though...unless there's going to be a catch that'll keep the team together.

I'm really looking forward to Thursday...maybe I'll write something about Booth, Sweets, and Peter...after watching.

My kid just woke up... soooo that's it for me. :)

it's times like these...

Everything is working out, and yet it's not exactly thrilling.  All those little pieces that I'm supposed to seek out and put together are in my possession...yet I'm not satisfied with the picture.  Maybe I'm not putting them together right.  Maybe I gathered up all the wrong pieces.  Maybe they're just too small.

The dissatisfaction sets in...

I got a job today.  It's good that I got one, because I'm getting pretty broke.  The thing is, it's not a job I really want.  Working at a front desk in a 55+ RV community was never something I aspired to do...  It's also not a job that pays anywhere near what I'm worth (not even half).  I feel like I'm selling out...cheaply.  The only plus side to this job is that I'll have a nice long lunch break every day during which I can spend time with my kid.  I'm trying to think of all that I'll eventually be able to provide for my son by having a job...yet I can't get past the fact that I'll be spending 40 hours a week away from my favorite person in the world.  I'm just not seeing the immediate benefit to spending time away from my kid.  Maybe if I were going to make a substantial amount of money...something that would most certainly make a difference in his life.

Blah.

I still want to be an artist, in some respect...and I'd like to be paid for my work...paid well enough that I won't have to work outside my home unless I want to.  

This j.o.b. will give me limitless material for some potentially hilarious social commentary (senior citizen's soap opera), but unfortunately, they would really like some level of confidentiality to be maintained.  :|  Oh well.

Maybe I should just buy a lottery ticket.  I've heard that lottery ticket sales in Arizona are up considerably...just like our unemployment and poverty rates.  It makes me think we're all pretty desperate here. :\  I'm just looking for a way to actually be the one to raise the kid I made.  

Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and this'll be Harry Potter world...and I'll be a witch...and everything will be as magical as the pacific northwest.

Here's to hoping...or believing in fantasy :)  G'night!

<3

50 Questions to Free Your Mind

I thought that this was already a part of my 1001 list (dayzeroproject.com), but evidently it was not...so I just added it :)

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?  Probably about 4.
2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?  never trying... 
3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?  because we feel obligated...or because we're afraid...or because we're waiting for something
4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?  in a way, because i expect my words to be one of my greatest accomplishments
5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?  no more religion
6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich? being a mom
7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing? neither at the moment... i'm in limbo
8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?  i'm not sure... i think i'd work even harder to create meaningful moments with my son knowing there was so little time left
9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?  i'm in control... even when the external circumstances seem to be leading the way, right now i'm making the choices about how to feel and how to proceed
10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? a little of both... i'd like to do the right things, and do them right
11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?  speak up...defend my friend...and probably lose some respect/admiration for the people i'm with
12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?  hold on to that wonder with which you experience everything
13. Would you break the law to save a loved one? yes
14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity? haha yes and vice versa
15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people? i don't know.  i don't really know how others do things.
16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?  thankfully we're not all interested in the same things...competition for those things would be insane, and there wouldn't be any variety.
17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back?  write something...and i'm held back by fear, of course.
18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?  of course... just one thing, really...and i've mostly let go, but hold on for fear i might be wrong.
19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?  washington state or oregon...i have a feeling i'd be so insanely happy because of all the green stuff that i'd explode...but in a good way.  kansas to be close to family.  costa rica, italy, ireland...all beautiful places, all places with a simpler pace.  i would like somewhere like georgia or louisiana if it weren't for the people.
20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?  i don't...on both counts
21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?  you have no idea how many times i've wished for blissful ignorance.
22. Why are you, you? because it's all i know how to be...i'm pretty happy with who i am :)
23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?  sometimes.
24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?  they're both pretty awful...but when you lose touch with someone close by, it's often because you're evolving as people...so it may not be terrible overall.
25. What are you most grateful for? my son...catching glimpses of the world through his eyes
26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones? neither option is desirable.
27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first? i don't know...some truths need challenge...some truths just are
28. Has your greatest fear ever come true? yes, a few times
29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?  i don't really recall any specific incidents from five years ago that were particularly upsetting...so obviously not.
30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?  i had a really happy childhood...i don't remember anything bad, so...all of it :)  i was loved and cared for, i never wanted for anything, i played outside all day and came home to food and a cozy bed...it was a good life :)
31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive? after having my son... he has pretty much renewed my life.
32. If not now, then when?  i'm good with now.
33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?  everything and nothing, i guess.
34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?  yes.  those were the nights...
35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?  because they don't truly support love
36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil? yes...because everything has the potential to be both
37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?  i don't have a job.  winning a million dollars would make me comfortable enough to be a writer, though :)
38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing? either. if i hate it, i don't want much of it...and if i love it, i won't mind lots of it...
39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before? sort of...but it doesn't get any easier :\
40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?  i am not sure that i've ever done that... 
41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today? i'd be with my son...sorry everyone else, it's not that i don't love you...i just love him the most.
42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous? no.
43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? passion
44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?  i think now...now is good.
45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake? because the lessons are often pretty hard and painful...
46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?  nobody who matters does... so not much.
47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?  just now
48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?  my kid...and yes, i do as many things as i can every day to make sure that boy knows how much he is loved :)
49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?  no.  i hardly remember now :)  i might remember the basics - i took my kid to the park, i visited a friend - but i won't remember dates.
50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?  as i've said before, i'm in limbo, deciding not to make decisions right now.  i'd really like to be the only one who makes decisions for me...

I can't believe THESE are the questions... I've found more insight in myspace surveys.  Sorry, creator of these questions.

the trouble with follow-through...

It seems that the older I get, the less patience I have for...everything.

Just moments ago I came here with many things to write about and every intention of writing all about those things.  Now, because I am tired and bitchy and just want my bed and a book, I'm writing this so that I can count it toward my 1001 list.

I've been slacking on my list.

AND!  Where the Wild Things Are is an awful movie.  What a waste of my time... :|  I'd link it, but I don't think it deserves that.