I would absolutely love to be sitting down to write all about Oliver's wonderful 2nd birthday (and it was wonderful)...or review his presents (most good, one I need to contact the company about, and one that's unintentionally inappropriate...at least I hope it's unintentional). But, no... I will not be writing about wonderful happy things right now. I'm also not going to be writing about our most recent zoo trip...which was great. Those are things for another day.
Tonight, I'm going to complain about having just spent two days of my life writing something I did not want to write. When I was an undergrad, I loved my papers. Writing them was still a hassle, but I generally really enjoyed the topics. I was also very inclined to take my work seriously (as seriously as I take anything, anyway). Research was so much fun... When I was working on my master's degree, I didn't want to write my papers. Working in libraries is a lot of fun, but learning about them and writing about anything having to do with them is not very fun. I suppose it's also fair to say that I don't like writing when I have a kid I could be playing with... ANYWAY. Now that I'm a community college student, with my primary focus being not repaying student loans... it is so difficult to care enough to do anything. I guess that's not entirely true. I am planning to get some certificates...Networking I think... maybe something else, too. It'll depend on the job market. It's just that this doesn't seem real. I didn't intend to be in college...still. I didn't plan to be writing papers about religion. I'm only taking a religion class because there was no required textbook. So, I've been sitting here for two days trying to come up with a thesis for a paper that I just realized was due tonight. My superior organizational skills have fallen to the wayside lately... I've written it and turned it in...and it was probably awful. Oh well. I just wish I had a Type A personality all the time. I'm really Type A about some things...but generally I like to be in a laid back state that's somewhere close to catatonic. I think I am a Type AB.
Yesterday, while writing the probably awful paper, Oliver walked up to me and opened his arms really big and said, "Ug, mama." Then he gave me a big hug. :) It's simply not possible to continue working when THAT is my alternative. The only time I feel no guilt for doing something like homework is while he's asleep or at his dad's. When he's sleeping, I'd rather sleep or clean or take a shower or something. Like, right now he's asleep (it's 10:30..of course he's asleep). I think right this second, doing this writing, is the only time in the last two days that I've written more than a sentence without feeling like I should be doing something else.
Did I mention that I've been looking for jobs almost DAILY for what seems like forever and haven't found anything?? How exactly is one to get a bunch of supervisory experience?? It seems that's what disqualifies me from all the decent jobs that'd be worth the time I'd have to spend at them. But then, I fear no job will ever feel like it's really worth my time... now that I have Oliver, I just can't come up with a job or amount of pay or...anything...that I'd be willing to trade for time with him. And that's what it is, really. How much is my time worth? More than anyone's willing to pay. I think I'd rather be dirt poor, do only what needs to be done, because it's preferable to paying a day care center to raise my child.
I guess all the unemployment has been good in one respect... I've started a novel. I don't know where it's going yet...but it'll most likely be violent and upsetting.
Also, I think I want to start writing some reviews for movies. I watch just about everything that comes out (so long as it's not too much of a boy movie...), and it's been brought to my attention that I hate everything. If I give something a good review, it comes as a surprise. I dunno. I really do dislike most movies. It's not that there's really something terribly wrong with them... it's just that they could probably be better.
I'm still not over how much I love District 9. The last scene of that movie was so perfect... The movie doesn't get nearly the credit it deserves.
But...anyway...I should be asleep. It's going to freeze tonight...possibly snow. Yes, snow. In Arizona. In April. A week ago it was 95 degrees...today it was 45...with wind chill. Sleep...so that tomorrow I can wake up and write about properly installing video cards and...something else.
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