Today I have been doing a lot of thinking about relationships, dating, marriage...and even love. Why, you ask? Well, I had to read these two little stories for my American lit class, and while they were boring, they made me recall something I'd seen on some show at some point in the last few weeks. I don't remember what show, because I wasn't actually paying that much attention. There was a guy talking about how the divorce rate is lower among couples who have open marriages. Because the stories I read had infidelity and everyone was happy, I naturally went in search of that show so that I could cite it in my response to the readings...but had no luck. Along the way I read a lot of articles...and now I feel a new sense of security.
For a long time I've believed that I have intimacy issues. I absolutely love men...and I enjoy the idea of loving one man for an extended period of time. Marriage is something that makes me uneasy, though...because of the social stigma surrounding roles of men and women in marriage, and because of what marriage IS in society. Two people becoming one. That doesn't sound appealing. Yes, the union and creation of something special with another person is a beautiful idea... but I've never felt is should be at the expense of either individual. In our patriarchal societal view of marriage, there is an obvious discrepancy...men and women do not enter on equal ground.
This society embraces the stereotypical roles and definitions. They're familiar...comfortable. But, they force those of us who don't conform to feel that there is something different about us. Yes, I've felt that I have what society calls 'intimacy issues,' but at the same time, I've felt that my lack of interest in a typical relationship was and is okay.
I read somewhere today that homosexual couples, when they do decide to enter into long-term relationships, are better able to navigate those relationships because they don't have society defining their roles or relationship... they can come together as two unique individuals and define their relationship based on their own needs and desires. I don't know if they're thinking about, or if it's true to them...but I am curious.
I read a bunch of statistics on divorce rates as well... and was not terribly surprised by what I found. Atheists have a relatively low divorce rate, especially when compared to conservative Christians. The Bible Belt has extremely high rates of divorce, STDs, teen pregnancy,cohabitation without marriage, and single parent households, along with poor healthcare and low levels of education. The west coast and the northeastern states, those typically thought of as liberal, are quite the opposite. Personally, I think that the low divorce rate among liberals and atheists is because we typically do not marry young.
There was another article I read...on Oprah's website...about a woman who was considering getting an apartment. She didn't want a divorce; she just wanted a place that was her own. She spoke to other women who had done just that, and one said that she was able to appreciate her husband more for who he was when she was able to see him in a place that was uniquely his - free of the influence of her and of their marriage. All the women in the article spoke of freedom in marriage...and each partner seeking his or her own path. I do not know these women, but I am thankful for their perspectives. I feel so much better knowing that I am not alone in my desire for some distance within my relationships. I want to be with a man who is concerned with his own life's journey and his intellectual and spiritual evolution....just as I am with mine...and I would like for us to have the freedom and support within our relationship to seek out that growth. I do not think that an open marriage would work for me, because I could very happily love the same man indefinitely, and I could love him while living in different houses, on different continents, seeing each other on the weekends, living together occasionally...perhaps having a shared home base and private places for ourselves... perhaps we'd just take separate vacations. I have even regained some small interest in the concept of marriage - if it could be redefined.
I don't know what direction I'd like a relationship to take...but know that I don't have intimacy issues; I just have a different idea of what intimacy means. I want to creatively redefine the boundaries of and roles within relationships...
