Singles Day

While a good percentage of the population is currently enjoying a nice romantic dinner, I'm sitting here watching The Vampire Diaries with a freshly bathed kid on my lap.  He likes to watch me type :)

In my adult life, I've been single on Valentine's day more often than not...and generally, it's fine by me.  I think it was sometime last night, while I was thinking through my plans for today, that I realized there'll come a time in my life when I'll probably need to start dating.  I sort of decided that the time will come sometime between now and whenever Oliver would be embarrassed to call his mom his Valentine.  Not sure when that'll be... but I'm unprepared.

Despite limited experience, I'm pretty sure that the kid is the best Valentine ever.  :)

The Origin of Aphrodite

Most people have heard that Aphrodite was made from sea foam.  In fact, her name means "from the foam."  Honestly, until last week I had no idea where she came from, nor did I care.  Considering that this week is Valentine's Day and love is (hypothetically) in the air, I can't help but think a little bit about the Goddess of Love.

Origin stories are a lot of fun.  If you know where a person comes from, you have an idea of how she got where she is now.  Where you come from is important.  It also seemed at least a little important to the Greek Gods.  Of course there are numerous versions of these stories, as there are with all deities.  I'm taking my first ever mythology class right now and it's interesting, but I'm genuinely grossed out on a regular basis.  God behavior is so barbaric (though I suppose not much has changed, really...but I won't go there...now).  Let's just say that their parenting skills were sub-par and leave it at that.  Last week I was reading creation stories...the ultimate in origin stories, because they discuss the origin of everything.  I found Hesiod's origin stories the most interesting.

In the beginning, we had Gaia and Uranus...Earth and Sky.  They hooked up, possibly because there wasn't anyone else around, and started making beings.  All was good and fine for a while, but...eventually Gaia got tired of childbearing.  I mean, she was literally carrying these kids around...inside her.  So, she complained.  Eventually her youngest son, Cronus, felt bad enough to help her out.  Mother and son conspired to...make sure there wouldn't be any more kids.  Cronus castrated his father and threw his severed member into the sea.

That wasn't the end for the severed member, though.  When it landed in the sea, foam rose.  From that foam came Aphrodite.  How's that for the origin of the Goddess of Love???

Happy Valentine's Day...a little early.  

Missing...

Do you ever miss people that you don't think you have the right to miss?  I know that seems weird... like, who or what could give that right or take it away?  But, that's what I'm feeling today.  It's not a great feeling, because without any right to claim a feeling one way or the other about a particular individual, there's nothing I can do about it.  I can't call or text or write a letter that says, simply, "I miss you."  There were two people in my dreams last night that I haven't spoken to in a while.  I swear my subconscious likes to plague me with missing and longing randomly.  If I've been too happy or too detached (which is a pleasant state for me), it'll just show me something I want but can't have (see previous entry), or something I no longer have.

And, while I know this won't bring me any real peace, it's the most I can do for now.

Person 1 - I miss the way things were.  Those days are gone...and it's for the best for both of us.  That doesn't mean that I don't think of you sometimes... and it doesn't mean that I don't miss you.

Person 2 - I just miss you.

La Douleur Exquise

This is a quality that I seek when reading or watching TV or movies.  I want to feel that pain right along with the characters.  It's got to hurt... and the reasoning can't be something stupid or simple.  There needs to be a real issue (object of affection is dating your brother/best friend... object of affection is a blue and you're a red... object of affection is an alien or other supernatural being...).  It's always a 'hurts so good' kind of thing when experiencing this through the eyes of a character.

But... it isn't any fun at all in real life.  Trust me, I know.

The reasons for the differences are the rules of the story.  When you're watching or reading something, you know there are rules.  Writers follow the rules, because the person watching/reading the story has expectations.  If you don't live up to those expectations, you won't make it; your story will fail just moments before your career.  Fizzle...pop.  The expectation is simple: no pain, no gain.  The moment when they do kiss will be so perfect that ever bit of pain will have been worth it...But, the longer they draw it out, the better.  If they're still not madly in love AND together by the end of book 2 or the second season, you're in for the best finale ever.  I'm a fan of 'romantic tension' and will actually stop reading/watching if the relationships are too easy.

But... there are no such rules in real life.  We're all raised on stories and there is no real life equivalent.  When we're writing our lives, and the object of our affection is unattainable, no amount of suffering ensures a payoff in the end.  Even if the longing is deep, the moments you spend with your unattainable person charged with electricity, and the possibilities seemingly endless... in real life, unattainable is a much more final state.  Even if the reasons are stupid and petty, as they often are.  There is really very little to look forward to in real cases of unrequited love...or even just the unrequited crush.  :|  What I wouldn't give for a bit of the supernatural getting in the way...

"Oh, you're a werewolf?  I completely understand."  I'm calling to see if I can have you committed...

"Our families have been mortal enemies since the beginning of time...and something about dragons?  Okay, I get it."  Even though that might make you more attractive to me...except for that thing about dragons....

But what are the real reasons that average people face?  I don't care for that hairstyle... You aren't very tall...  we have different taste in music... are you really going to wear that?  I don't like your dog.  Your job isn't impressive.  You have debt and you aren't rich.

No spark.

No need.

I'm not sure unrequited would be any less painful if there were werewolves or aliens or multi-generational feuds involved...I'm not even saying that it'd have that kind of awesome tension that exists in fiction... but I am saying it'd be more interesting.  This is why I like fiction so much.

And also why I find real life so insufferably boring sometimes.

100 Things That Make Me Happy! ....Plus.

1.  My kid, of course.  He's hilarious and sweet...and he's the perfect kid for me :)

From here on, the order is random.

2.  Coffee...preferably a good latte.
3.  An extra 5 or 10 minutes in a warm bed on a cold morning.
4.  Fresh strawberries.
5.  Fun socks.
6.  Coloring...with or without the kid.
7.  My Vibram FiveFinger shoes.
8.  Fresh-from-the-dryer blankets.
9.  Hoodies.
10.  Pasta...multi-colored pasta.
11.  Potatoes.
12.  My Kindle.
13.  The entire contents of my Kindle, and every book that I will ever add in the future.
14.  Book hangover.
15.  A shared moment of understanding.
16.  Seeing someone I haven't seen in a while.
17.  Freshly-bathed kid scent.
18.  Zombie slippers.
19.  Smoothies.
20.  Warm sunny days in the middle of winter.
21.  Monsoons.
22.  Fourth of July...for the fireworks!
23.  Halloween.
24.  Parades.
25.  Vivid dreams... the kind that stick with me all day.
26.  A text from the right person at the right time.
27.  Hand-written notes.
28.  Butterflies...preferably the kind in my stomach, though I'm not opposed to the flying kind.
29.  Atheist groups.
30.  Snowy mountains in the distance.
31.  The sounds newborns make.
32.  Cute baby animals.
33.  Fresh baked bread.
34.  Homemade pizza/soups/anything.
35.  Cupcakes.
36.  Cookies.
37.  Unexpected allies.
38.  Smart people.
39.  Good conversation.
40.  Learning something.
41.  Colorful things.
42.  Happy people.
43.  Natural building.
44.  Architecture/design.
45.  Goodreads.
46.  Taking walks.
47.  Nature.
48.  Sudafed...related: breathing.
49.  Laughter...anyone's will do.
50.  People watching.
51.  When my son comes home.
52.  Lots of blankets and pillows.
53.  Air conditioning/heat.
54.  Calm.
55.  Summer evenings.
56.  Summer smells (bbqs, pool toys and chlorine, freshly mowed lawns, jasmine and honeysuckle)
57.  Spring...everything about it.
58.  Crisp mornings.
59.  Sunsets and sunrises.
60.  Cheeseburgers.
61.  Any time the kid learns something.
62.  Long showers.
63.  Internet access.
64.  The way coffee shops smell (actually coffee shops, not Starbucks - no lack of love, it's just different)
65.  YA shows  (PLL, TVD).
66.  YA books.
67.  Romantic tension...in real life and fiction.
68.  Talking to people about good books.
69.  Inspiration.
70.  Writing until my hands cramp, without stopping to edit.
71.  Editing.
72.  Dark Chocolate.
73.  That moment when ALL the laundry is done, right before it's not done anymore.
74.  Trees.
75.  Iced tea.
76.  Nag Champa incense.
77.  Finishing things.
78.  Pictures.
79.  When the only light in a room comes from an xmas tree.
80.  When the only light in a room comes from a candle.
81.  Hearing the right song at the right time.
82.  Scent memories.
83.  Anticipation.
84.  Tattoos.
85.  Serotonin/dopamine/oxytocin/acetylcholine
86.  My back yard.
87.  Kid art.
88.  The smell of crayons.
89.  Secrets...confessions...sharing.
90.  Seeing certain people smile...particularly if the smiles are for me.
91.  Lotion.
92.  Nail polish.
93.  Popcorn.
94.  Salsa.
95.  Daydreaming
96.  Being told that something I've done is good.
97.  People doing nice things for others.
98.  Anyone who goes out of his/her way for me...even for something little.
99.  Silence with someone...that isn't awkward.
100.  Looks that say more than words.

Bonus!  Cuties...the little oranges.  And pineapples.  And disinfecting wipes.  And green.  And ideas that keep me up.



Plus...some things that piss me off... (this is a very mild list...)
1.  Not knowing I have a cut until I use hand sanitizer.
2.  Stupid people.
3.  Most people being anywhere near me...my personal space bubble is HUGE.
4.  Anyone who thinks that cologne/perfume can be used in place of bathing and deodorant.
5.  Getting home from the store and realizing I forgot the one thing I went there to get...
6.  Strawberry seeds.
7.  The ability of a child to completely destroy a room in under a minute...and the fact that it takes longer than that to clean it up.
8.  The dishes don't wash themselves.
9.  Dinner doesn't cook itself.
10.  The laundry doesn't put itself away.
11.  The toys don't pick themselves up.

Search History

This is so true that I've actually said it...on numerous occasions.  The problem is mostly a writing problem, but it's compounded by living with an inquisitive almost-4-year-old.  He wants to know if cockroaches poop and I need to know how long it takes to bleed to death from a properly-slit wrist, and factors that could increase effectiveness of this particular suicide method.  I bet I also looked up some cookie or cupcake recipe that day.  I may also have looked into the history of manslaughter laws...and vehicular homicide vs. manslaughter...

Then there are the days when I decide to go through popular (and not so popular) conspiracy theories for story ideas.  The craziest stuff makes for good fiction....the fact that some people believe it makes it better.  Viewing every possible website about chem trails is normal, right?

What's a good synonym for agony?  And what kind of pliers should be used when removing fingernails?

Being a hypochondriac adds another interesting layer to this.  Do I have brain cancer?  What are the chances of having a stroke while driving?  Would those chances be higher or lower if there was heavy traffic? Is this mole cancerous?  Is it possible to be allergic to everything?

What's another word for worry?  Why do people commit suicide?

"Mom, what's that thing hanging in your throat?"  Uvula research.

And yes, I did pin 342 recipes.

And then read book reviews on Goodreads for 3 hours... (nevermind the simultaneous searching for .epub or .mobi files).  I need another word for obsession.

Baby name sites.

Is it possible to be scared to death?

There was that day when I went through hundreds of mugshot pictures, trying to figure out if it was possible to tell the severity of the crime by the look of the criminal.  It's possible.  For the record, don't trust people who smile...there's usually a trail of bodies behind it.

Why do people care about...anything?

Body language.  It's important to know what people are really thinking...but this is also excellent for creating believable characters.  Lying is down and to the left, right?  How would an evil person sit?  How would a shy person walk into a room?  All the different reasons a person might avoid eye contact....

How often are missing persons found?  How often are they alive??  How many serial killers are active at any given time?  Read serial killer life stories.

How and where do people usually die?

From what height would a person have to fall to die?  What kinds of injuries could be expected at 10ft? 15? 25?

Many stops a Facebook... but then, that's totally normal.

Check horoscope.  Create natal charts for serial killers, celebrities, characters in books...

Trash truck videos.  HOURS of trash truck videos....followed by hours of kids making erasers that look like fast food or Asian cartoon characters.

Atheist groups.  Science blogs.  Reddit.  May as well lock me up now.  It's probably good that I don't know how to hack anything...

Who hates Apollo?

Phonics... lots of phonics.  A is for Apple.  B is for Boy.  V is for Vacuum.  M is for monotony.

How long does it take to die when shot?  Ideally, I'd find a chart similar to a meat cut chart, and the different locations of the shot would be labeled with approximate time to die... click for additional factors that may increase or decrease time.  Because there is no such chart, a lot of research must be done.

Failed search for song using only 3 words.  Successful search using "that song at the end of ______" or "that song when ______ did ______".....then listening to that song 20 times.

Cute pictures of baby animals.  Research on the stages of grief.  S.A.D...A.D.D... O.C.D....Natalie Dee...a, b, c, d, e, f, g....back to the phonics pages.

Okay, maybe it wouldn't be THAT bad...but I'm sure my sanity would be called into question.  Whatever the case, keep this in mind for me:

Aversion Therapy

Some people wear rubber bands around their wrists and snap themselves when they have an inappropriate thought or do some undesirable behavior.  I'm not much for rubber band therapy... but am no stranger to the overall concept of aversion therapy.  Do or think bad...punishment follows.  My punishments are typically logical thoughts following the illogical/bad thoughts.  I very rarely do anything bad these days.  For the most part, logic wins and I don't have useless thoughts for long.  Sometimes it's extremely simple... so simple that the second part of the thought can cancel the first.  For example: he's really hot...except for that neck tattoo.  

Apparently there's a down side to prolonged use of aversion therapy, though...  Once you've gone through the logical thoughts...a few dozen times...to no avail, they cease to mean anything at all.  I can tell myself an honest, logical truth...and immediately dismiss it for the more favorable/interesting bad thought.  Eventually I'll skip the logical part altogether...because maybe he looks good in turtlenecks, and that IS a book he's holding...  If I'm reminded of it somehow (this is Arizona and no one wears a turtleneck when it's 110 out), I push it out of my mind immediately (everywhere is air conditioned..and he can read).  This is a conditioning thing.  Clearly I'm able to ignore myself...go against my best interests...to satisfy my hedonistic fleeting desires...anything with a neck tattoo would be fleeting.  Clearly my punishments aren't good enough...or I'm just not able to trick myself.  I'm guessing the latter.  Either way, this is a side-effect that I sort of anticipate.  If I want something bad enough, no amount of reasoning will change my mind.  The want becomes a need...and then there's no turning back.

There is a side-effect that I didn't expect, though.  I had no idea there'd be a subconscious...leaking...of desire.  I can do avoidance - physically and emotionally.  I can remind myself time and time again that thinking/doing/seeing/etc. will lead to suffering on some profound level.  That's good enough for me because I don't like suffering, especially not over and over again for the same reason... so keeps the avoidance going strong.  Sadly, I have no control over my subconscious.  Now I have dreams about the things I avoid.  The dreams are vivid and emotionally charged, and they're impossible to forget.  I'll spend an entire day in a dream haze...and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

And the absolute worst thing about all of it is that my dreams are almost always a million times better than the reality of any situation.  They're better than the best possible outcomes.  It's not a reiteration of the logical side of things... it's what would never happen, even in the best of circumstances, if the illogical thoughts/actions were the right choices - they're dreams in more than one sense.  There was a time recently when I dreamed of cheeseburgers most nights.  It was the result of not being able to eat greasy foods without pain (gallbladders are not fun when they misbehave).  I thought about foods that I wanted, but never gave in because the pain wasn't worth it.  I was so consumed with what I couldn't have that it seeped into my subconscious and flooded my dreams.  I still can't really have the foods I want, but my mind has given me a cheeseburger break.  Guess it has bigger issues to sort out... and leave me reeling from all day.

Not that I'm complaining...not really...I love the dreams.  It's like living an alternate life.  If only there weren't that little bit of disappointment that comes with waking up...