First Post in a While...Last for the Year!

How do I spend NYE?  Typically, I hide in my house and avoid contact with people.  Oliver is with his dad tonight, so I took the tree down and watched some Criminal Minds.

So, since I'm not a NYE person, it should go without saying that I'm not a resolution person.  Really, I can't recall the last time I made resolutions on NYE, or any other time. It's not like I don't set goals...I just don't make resolutions.  There was some study done on resolutions made on NYE, and like...all of them were broken. Someone said something about them being a sure-fire way of setting yourself up for failure.  For the most part, that's always how I've seen them.  Thing is, I've done plenty of failing all on my own, without the aid of resolutions.  Perhaps for someone like myself resolutions aren't destined for failure.  And in any case, what could it hurt?

So here goes....my first list of resolutions in a very long time:

1.  Let go.  Seriously.  I've spent the better part of the last year wasting time and emotion on a person who isn't the least bit deserving of my attention.  My subconscious may do as it pleases...I have no control over it...but the rest of me is well within my control.  I'm not even saying that I'll remove this person from my life.  I'm just not going to give a damn anymore.  It's not worth the ups and downs.  And, at the same time, I need to be more real in the relationships I have that matter...I need to let people in... allow people to know me, not just about me.  I also need to treat people more as people and less as character studies or psychological research projects.  And one more thing in this area...be fucking honest.  So many issues in the last few months could have been cleared up if I'd just said exactly what I was thinking or asked the things that would have cleared things up.

2.  Finish something.  I'm not even concerned about WHAT I finish at this point...just that I FINISH something.  Anything.  Really.  I have 4 projects in the works right now, all in various stages...and many more ideas that are just hanging around waiting to sidetrack me at any moment.  I look at my stacks of note cards and can just see myself turning into my father.  One of the first arguments I ever heard he and my mother have had to do with a 3-legged deer painting.  My mom was furious that my dad had unfinished paintings everywhere...the most annoying of which was a 3-legged deer.  My books are just like that damn deer.  I need to stop this before it gets any worse.

3.  Read 50 books.  I have more than 50 that I haven't read, so this shouldn't be a challenge... :)

4.  Be proactive about my health.  The last couple months have kind of sucked, and I'm just getting tired of feeling awful all the time.  So, that'll end.  I shouldn't be so scared of docs, but...I am.  I just don't like 'em...and I don't like the thought of medical testing or procedures of any kind, or medication.

5.  Less time on Facebook.  This one should be fairly self-explanatory.

And one that's not just for me...
6.  Teach Oliver some basic little kid skills...like how to make himself one meal, how to put away his clothes, how to sort the laundry... get him better at phonics...he's so good already, but I'd really like it if he could do some basic reading by the end of the year.

There's that.  I could probably have added some other things to that, but....I'm new to this.  Six seems like a good place to start.  Wonder if I'll remember having written this in a year so that I can check my progress.  Someone want to remind me in a year??

There's No Place Like Home....

It's finally over.

The last week was one that needed to happen, despite all my reluctance to let it.  I'm now absolved of any guilt I could have possible felt from saying that I won't ever go back there.  It was a horrible week full of all the things that demonstrate so very clearly how I just don't fit there...and how I never will...and how happy that makes me.  It feels good to let go.

It's weird to learn a lesson that I'm planning to teach a character I'm writing...and weird that I'm learning it so late in the game.  While it's true that there is "no place like home," that home is not necessarily the place you were born or raised; it's the place you make your home.  I'm using the word "place" wrong, I guess... I mean the people, too.  Technically, KS should be my home...and in that sense another saying is true, no matter that its contradictory: "you can't go home again."

It's also nice to see home for the first time...again...every once in a while.

Apples and Trees

Fairly recently I made some derogatory comment about apples and where they fall in relation to trees... and I'm pretty sure it had something to do with one of Romney's douchebag kids.  While I don't take that back, I think that the last couple days have shown me just how far apples can fall.  I'm sitting in Middle of Nowhere, KS, giving some serious thought to my family orchard.

It's like...at one time there was a hilltop covered in little trees that were my ancestors... and for the most part, they all stuck to the hilltop.  My parents may have been born on the hilltop, but in time they were located somewhere on the side of the hill... and little apple me, having never been anywhere near the top of that hill, fell...rolled down the side of the hill, fell off a cliff and into a river, and then floated all the way to the ocean...where I floated in and out with the tide for a while before coming to rest in the sand in some sunny, beautiful place.  I'm like... a beach apple.  I see so little of myself in my family...apart from my mother, and to some smaller extent, my father.  The important thing here is that...I'm glad.  I don't mean to be talking shit, but it's just that...I can't imagine what I would be like if I held such horrifying beliefs.  I can't fathom what would lead anyone to the REALLY think the things I've heard in the last day.

And yes, I did (stupidly) watch a little of the presidential debate with family.  I knew better.  I didn't make it very long, and ended up with the kind of headache that comes with nausea.  Not exactly worth it.

I'm sitting in the only coffee place in this little town... which is an odd improvement over home - I'm not sitting in Safeway.  AND they have wifi, which is good since my phone says I've reached my data limit.  The place is cute... wood floors, tin ceiling, exposed stone wall (not brick...i can't remember what it's called, but pretty much all the old buildings here are made from it).  The only problem I have with this place is that it closes at 3:30... who does that??  It's a terrible time to close.  Normally, I'd be sitting here with my headphones in...no music...listening to the conversations around me.  Considering where I am, I think it's best if I avoid eavesdropping.  I know it'll take little time for me to end up horrible offended, and I'm trying really hard to behave while I'm here... at least behave well enough to not end up lynched.  Opening my mouth in a public place would prove dangerous.

There's also an archery shop right across the street....

Ok... I should do my homework before this place closes...

Also,

And I apologize for the intentionally vague nature of most of this... but I find it frustrating when my deep, foundational beliefs are challenged and found to be lacking.

No, I don't believe in any deities.  Sorry if you got your hopes up...as I know some of you did.

It's just that perhaps I'm  not the pacifist I have always thought myself to be... and the challenging aspect of this is that it's a side of myself that I've been shying away from for some time...yet I've been unwilling to admit my own changes even to myself.  It's only in the last weeks that I've actively sought the changes...rather than passively searching out the possibilities online.

What do you do when you really want to do something that goes against everything you've ever believed?  And what do you do when...you do it.  And like it.  I spent too much time justifying this before acting... and it brought me a lot of peace...but I am still stumbling a little.

It's good for me.  Change is good.  It wasn't a bad foundation, but it's served its purpose and now I need a new one.  Reconciling the acceptance of this new side of myself into the hippie mold I've always lived in will take some time.

Over-analyzing is tiring.  Why am I unable to over-analyze in just one area of my life at a time???

And no, it's not a bdsm thing...I've read over this a couple times and every time it seems worse.  I just want to shoot things with arrows.  Nothing that's alive.

Good Days Cause Bad Days.

I should have known better than to revel in the pleasure of a few good days.  That sort of thing rarely lasts... and when it falls apart, it falls apart in a really destructive way...destroying foundations that were in place long before the good days.  It's like a toddler playing with blocks; all I can do is sit back and watch as the towers fall.  Fitting for this time of year, right?

I'm sitting here now, listening to gentle rain and feeling like my heart, along with various other body parts, have been torn to bits and put in a jar with rusty razor blades and barbed wire and salt, shaken, and then poured into a fancy glass over hot coals.  When things are already pissing me off, my memory has a way of connecting things that may or may not actually be related, and then spiraling out of control.  Damn synapses. I've had 3 nights of difficult sleeping... I never sleep well on Mondays, but I have no good excuse for the next two nights.  The way my brain is working right now, I can't count on more than 4 or 5 hours tonight.  This is wearing on me.  And the fact that it's 7:18 and Oliver has been asleep since returning from his dad's means this might be a long night in more than one way.

And...when I'm worn down, I shouldn't listen to music.  It just speeds those possibly-false connections along even faster, and I end up sitting on an ottoman for an hour turning over my unnecessary thoughts.  I don't like having some of the thoughts I've had today...and I really don't like applying "what if" to situations that, years ago, were way outside of what ifs.  I cherish my memories, but sometimes I wish they were unavailable for over-analyzing years later.  I think I should say yes more, and spend more time as far from my comfort zone as possible... but after today, I think I'll be spending some time hiding out and licking my self-inflicted wounds.  Wonder how long it'll take...

If Oliver hadn't started school, I wouldn't have time for all this thinking.  He's doing great at school, though.  Loves it.

But...anyway.  What should I do with the mood I'm in right now?  Use it against myself...because under normal circumstances I would not share my homework with anyone outside my class (and I'll only share it there because it's required).  I wrote a poem.  We all know how I feel about poetry.  The writing process was upsetting and emotionally exhausting.  My book dredged up all sorts of uncomfortable and painful memories, but then told me to discard them if they were too painful to write about.  That seemed very inauthentic...why would I want to be emotionally dishonest in my work?  There's nothing real about avoiding the things that make me uncomfortable...and I want the things that I write to feel real.  Anyway... I'm sharing my super-depressing poem with you...whoever you are...in all its trivial glory.

November

The gray morning hung outside the window

Like some limp sheet

Wet from days of autumn rain

Stray leaves were plastered to the glass

Some trailed through the house

Its doors open to the elements

Its doors open to let out the smell

The leaden sky muted the world

“He always talked about you, wondered how you grew up.

He hoped the world never got to you.”

I sat at the table, empty

Tapping a pen on a notepad

My eyes fixed on the stained coffee cup

The one that stood beside the coffee pot

Full and waiting

Hot until it was cold

For a week, maybe two

“I want his coffee cup,” his best friend said. 

“That’s all I want.  Something to remember him by… we had coffee on Sundays.”

I made a list of little trinkets

Memories for others to hold on to

Gathered these artifacts on the table

And I made a list of to-dos

Check the attic for marijuana

Find bank statements and bills

Call biohazard cleaners about the smell

“We’ve never had a turn-out like this.  Standing room only. 

He touched a lot of people.”

Find address book

Send thank-you notes

See lawyer

Which copy of this manuscript is the newest?

Probably the one on the coffee table,

Half face-down with notes

“That walnut is special, don’t throw it away.

It was his pet.  It had a name, but I don’t remember it.”

Box up a life

Put it in storage

Or don’t, because the smell will linger

The choking sweetness

A smell you’d know as death

Even if you’d never smelled it before

Which memory would I pick to keep?

Which borrowed memory of this man I did not know?

“He took the strings off the guitar.  He always said that if it had strings,

It would distract him and he’d never get anything done.”

But today it had strings

And I remembered a golden summer evening

The last rays of sun warming my tanned skin

My little white sundress billowing in the wind

Chasing fireflies

My father on the back steps, guitar in hand

And his smile as he sang


And now I feel all the things I felt before...and also exposed.  Oh well.  Here's to now and don't look back (says Better Than Ezra)... Here's to honesty.

Fuck.

It's been a long day...

My little one started preschool today, and I think he handled it better than I did.  He was screaming and collapsed on the floor at one point, if that tells you anything.  I know this is one of those things he has to do, and that it'll be good for him...but I missed my little boy.  I found myself wishing I'd had more time with him when he was a baby, or really, that he'd been a baby for a lot longer.  One childhood just doesn't seem like enough...

I love all that he's becoming and I'm proud to be his mom :)

Another Monday Arrives...

I usually don't have the luxury of sitting down so early on my Monday.  It rained yesterday...and last night... so I didn't have to water this morning.  I've also decided that there's really no use in cleaning up the toys until tomorrow, or starting the laundry until much later today.  As it seems I'm not capable of working on my REAL writing until 9:30AM, I'm here...warming up my hands for typing.

I've made two more changes to the story.  The first was tiny and had to be done.  I was really just fixing a mistake that I'm not sure how I overlooked for so long...it was so OBVIOUS.  The second was yet another time issue...I have spent more time dealing with time than I have with anything else lately.  I suppose that's to be expected, considering the importance of time in this story.  Once these two little bits are cleared up, I can get things moving forward again.  I'd really like to see this done by the end of the month.

In the last week I've also managed to outline a few short stories.  At this point, I'm not sure when I'll find the time to write them, or if they'll have the potential to be expanded into longer works, but it was nice to bleed the creative vein onto something new.

In addition to my names lists and words I like list, I think I'm going to make a list of catchy phrases.  I have a few on my phone, but really need to relocate them.  I don't know what I'll do with them... but some feel like titles to things.

I'm starting a poetry-writing class this month...and having mixed feelings.  I really don't like poetry.  It's not an intimidation factor.  I get it.  It's just that so much poetry is terrible.  I used to waste many nights writing terrible poetry with other people who were also writing terrible poetry... and now I'm not even sure I could produce something terrible, because I'm just so reluctant to add to the mass of terrible that already exists.  I'm taking the class to gain some appreciation for poetry, and I hope my mind opens a bit more to the topic before the class starts.  Right now, the idea of doing a peer evaluation on a poem is nauseating.

My latte is cold and I haven't yet scavenged the kitchen for breakfast...so I should probably get up.  Only 12 minutes to go!