Difficulty concentrating...

I was born late on a Wednesday.  The average temperature in Plainville, KS, that day was 60 degrees.  There was no rain, no snow, and very little wind.

I share my birthday with John Mellencamp and Simon Cowell.

This isn't my birthday...but I was reading some writing prompts and figured I'd find out what the weather was like on the day I was born.

Oprah was pretty skinny in 1997.

That title doesn't mean anything.  I just happen to be watching Oprah...she has that little girl who sings opera on today. :)  

Anyway.

My day zero list is at 8% complete....I feel like such a slacker!!!

My kid is orange.

I still haven't done the homework that's due today.  I've done the readings and I have opinions...I just don't care very much about the class :(

ok...I wandered off for hours...so clearly I have nothing to contribute here today.  :)

Love and marriage go together like...??

Today I have been doing a lot of thinking about relationships, dating, marriage...and even love.  Why, you ask?  Well, I had to read these two little stories for my American lit class, and while they were boring, they made me recall something I'd seen on some show at some point in the last few weeks.  I don't remember what show, because I wasn't actually paying that much attention.  There was a guy talking about how the divorce rate is lower among couples who have open marriages.  Because the stories I read had infidelity and everyone was happy, I naturally went in search of that show so that I could cite it in my response to the readings...but had no luck.  Along the way I read a lot of articles...and now I feel a new sense of security.

For a long time I've believed that I have intimacy issues.  I absolutely love men...and I enjoy the idea of loving one man for an extended period of time.  Marriage is something that makes me uneasy, though...because of the social stigma surrounding roles of men and women in marriage, and because of what marriage IS in society.  Two people becoming one.  That doesn't sound appealing.  Yes, the union and creation of something special with another person is a beautiful idea... but I've never felt is should be at the expense of either individual.  In our patriarchal societal view of marriage, there is an obvious discrepancy...men and women do not enter on equal ground.  

This society embraces the stereotypical roles and definitions.  They're familiar...comfortable.  But, they force those of us who don't conform to feel that there is something different about us.  Yes, I've felt that I have what society calls 'intimacy issues,' but at the same time, I've felt that my lack of interest in a typical relationship was and is okay.  

I read somewhere today that homosexual couples, when they do decide to enter into long-term relationships, are better able to navigate those relationships because they don't have society defining their roles or relationship... they can come together as two unique individuals and define their relationship based on their own needs and desires.  I don't know if they're thinking about, or if it's true to them...but I am curious.  

I read a bunch of statistics on divorce rates as well... and was not terribly surprised by what I found.  Atheists have a relatively low divorce rate, especially when compared to conservative Christians.  The Bible Belt has extremely high rates of divorce, STDs, teen pregnancy,cohabitation without marriage, and single parent households, along with poor healthcare and low levels of education.  The west coast and the northeastern states, those typically thought of as liberal, are quite the opposite.  Personally, I think that the low divorce rate among liberals and atheists is because we typically do not marry young.

There was another article I read...on Oprah's website...about a woman who was considering getting an apartment.  She didn't want a divorce; she just wanted a place that was her own.  She spoke to other women who had done just that, and one said that she was able to appreciate her husband more for who he was when she was able to see him in a place that was uniquely his - free of the influence of her and of their marriage.  All the women in the article spoke of freedom in marriage...and each partner seeking his or her own path.  I do not know these women, but I am thankful for their perspectives.  I feel so much better knowing that I am not alone in my desire for some distance within my relationships.  I want to be with a man who is concerned with his own life's journey and his intellectual and spiritual evolution....just as I am with mine...and I would like for us to have the freedom and support within our relationship to seek out that growth.  I do not think that an open marriage would work for me, because I could very happily love the same man indefinitely, and I could love him while living in different houses, on different continents, seeing each other on the weekends, living together occasionally...perhaps having a shared home base and private places for ourselves... perhaps we'd just take separate vacations.  I have even regained some small interest in the concept of marriage - if it could be redefined.

I don't know what direction I'd like a relationship to take...but know that I don't have intimacy issues; I just have a different idea of what intimacy means.  I want to creatively redefine the boundaries of and roles within relationships...

The disappointment of dreams realized...

I have been thinking a lot about the Pacific Northwest lately.  I'm not sure what's to blame for this... it's been something in the back of my mind for a while, but...lately I haven't been able to quiet it as effectively as usual.  The last time I was there was nearly 18 years ago.  I just have a feeling it'd be a good place for me.

And that makes me worry.

Quite a few years ago I was deeply involved in a long-distance relationship with Santa Fe, NM.  It was entirely one-sided, as I highly doubt Santa Fe was checking out my pics online...but I was happy anyway.  I sort of felt like that would be my home.  Like, if I went there, I would instantly feel right and just want to stay forever and ever.  One summer after visiting family, my mother and I decided to stop there on our way back home.  What a mistake.

I found myself nearly crushed by stampeding tourists.  They all looked the same, too.  First came the slightly taller than average, skinny, mean-looking woman.  Trotting along behind her was a downtrodden, chubby man in golf shorts and sandals with socks, carrying bags full of stuff the skinny woman just couldn't live without.  The sorts of things they purchased were the usual mass-produced southwestern artifacts found in truck stops all along the highway.  Maybe, just maybe, they'd stop to look at what the street vendors had to offer... but would probably just respond with something like, "how quaint," and move on to the next air conditioned shop.  That might be a jewelry shop, where the skinny woman would get something made of turquoise that she'll never have occasion to wear.   And of course no trip would be complete without the obligatory piece of genuine southwestern art - a painting that would look right at home on the wall of a budget motel.  I'd be willing to bet that many of the paintings were also mass-produced.  Did I mention that all the tourists were over 55?  Well...they were.

Maybe Santa Fe just wasn't the artsy place I was expecting... because I was expecting hippies...not droves of assholes talking way too loudly on their cell phones and not watching where they're going.

I worry that if I go back to Oregon or Washington, the people will ruin the scenery.  Or worse, the scenery won't live up to the dream.

mommy's little 'situation'

Last night I had an amazing dream.  I was in the most beautiful place...it was a cross between Tuscany and the Pacific Northwest.  I took Oliver through beautiful streets full of cute little shops and houses down to a beach that was surrounded by forest and mountains.  There were pirate ships...and a little pirate cove for kids to play in, too.  It was so beautiful, and it smelled like fall...I could have lived there forever.  I love that dreams like that leave me sort of hung over for the day...I'll wander in a happy daze.  Sadly, instead of blissful daydreaming, I realized the sadness I feel over the difference between my dream world and the real world.  This world will never live up to the one in my head.  :\

But let me get to the reason...because I would have failed to realize the difference if I hadn't been forced into reality.  I had to go out to the RV place today to pick up some paperwork.  I figured I'd be there for all of 5 mins, so I took Oliver with me.  One of the women was really nice to him.  The other scowled at him as though he was some sort of vermin I'd let in.  That woman then said something about that being a "professional place," and she "hoped I had enough time to take care of the situation before starting work."  She nodded toward my kid when she said the word "situation."  I can't help but be completely insulted.  I have no idea how I managed to keep my mouth shut.  This woman was nice during the interview...Now I feel like they're probably just a bunch of nasty old ladies.  I know I'm not what they're looking for personality-wise, and that I'm a good 40 years younger than they'd like me to be...but I was pretty prepared to keep my mouth shut and act like some watered-down version of myself.  I'm guessing I'll actually have to be someone else entirely...and I swear if anyone calls my kid a "situation" again I'm not going to hold back.  I'll most certainly get fired... but how can someone be so disrespectful and yet expect me to respect her??

Why are people so disappointing?  It seems like the only really consistent thing about 'em... Blah.

Guess I'll go make dinner and maybe watch Twilight...for the scenery.  Or finish Freaks and Geeks, which is totally excellent.

the new seasons

I can't believe that I completely forgot to talk about the TV boyfriends.  I've sort of gotten addicted to watching a LOT of shows...which I guess is what happens when you have a little one who goes to sleep early and nothing else to do after he's asleep.

Monday night started with House (no TV boyfriend there...but Hugh Laurie is a pretty spectacular actor).  The episode was actually pretty weak.  The entire last season was weak...so I can't say that I was really expecting it to be amazing.  BUT!  Monday night continued with Gossip Girl.  I'm sure that some people who know me would be sort of confused by the fact that I'm so addicted to such a show...but I am...and I have no good excuse.  Or, well... My excuse is Chuck Bass.  He's my Monday night man.  The season actually started last week, so I've now had two episodes that have been at least somewhat about him to satisfy my cravings.  Gossip Girl is not disappointing at all...so far.  There's plenty of drama...so those of us who completely lack real-life drama have our needs met.  And c'mon...he's Chuck Bass.  So...that was Monday.



On Tuesday there is no TV boyfriend... But there is Glee.  I was sadly disappointed with the premier episode :\  Last season was really great...maybe they're losing steam.  Oh well.  After Glee, I was too lazy to change the channel, so I watched Raising Hope and whatever the show after that was called.  Raising Hope was absolutely terrible in all the right ways.  I was properly offended more than once.  There was all kinds of stupidity, a really cute baby, and a senile old lady.  I'm not sure why I can tolerate morons on TV so well, but I just want to stab them with sporks or run them over in real life (misplaced footnote...kneenote?...I'm a pacifist.  I usually just stare blankly and later mourn the loss of my brain cells...).  It was pretty great... I might watch it again.  The next show was just terrible.  It was supposed to be funny, but it wasn't.  Oh well.  That's probably why I don't remember what it was called.

Wednesday is a pretty great night for TV.  The only show I've been addicted to since before Oliver was born is Criminal Minds.  I suppose it's also safe to say that I've also been addicted to Dr. Spencer Reid for quite some time (and also Matthew Grey Gubbler).  He's a rare one...because I actually think the real guy is pretty interesting, too.  Most of the time, TV personalities lack real life personalities.  It's because of that that I primarily watched cartoons until recently.  Anyway...Criminal Minds started off strong this season.  The finale to the cliffhanger from last season reminded me just how creepy Tim Curry is.  Seriously, I know he's just an actor and he's probably a pleasant-enough guy, but if I bumped into him anywhere after dark, I'd scream and run away.  The episode was beautifully done...and sad.  My only complaint is that there was not nearly enough Spencer.  We need more Spencer-focused episodes.  Anyway...next week's episode is gonna be horrible, though...unless there's going to be a catch that'll keep the team together.

I'm really looking forward to Thursday...maybe I'll write something about Booth, Sweets, and Peter...after watching.

My kid just woke up... soooo that's it for me. :)

it's times like these...

Everything is working out, and yet it's not exactly thrilling.  All those little pieces that I'm supposed to seek out and put together are in my possession...yet I'm not satisfied with the picture.  Maybe I'm not putting them together right.  Maybe I gathered up all the wrong pieces.  Maybe they're just too small.

The dissatisfaction sets in...

I got a job today.  It's good that I got one, because I'm getting pretty broke.  The thing is, it's not a job I really want.  Working at a front desk in a 55+ RV community was never something I aspired to do...  It's also not a job that pays anywhere near what I'm worth (not even half).  I feel like I'm selling out...cheaply.  The only plus side to this job is that I'll have a nice long lunch break every day during which I can spend time with my kid.  I'm trying to think of all that I'll eventually be able to provide for my son by having a job...yet I can't get past the fact that I'll be spending 40 hours a week away from my favorite person in the world.  I'm just not seeing the immediate benefit to spending time away from my kid.  Maybe if I were going to make a substantial amount of money...something that would most certainly make a difference in his life.

Blah.

I still want to be an artist, in some respect...and I'd like to be paid for my work...paid well enough that I won't have to work outside my home unless I want to.  

This j.o.b. will give me limitless material for some potentially hilarious social commentary (senior citizen's soap opera), but unfortunately, they would really like some level of confidentiality to be maintained.  :|  Oh well.

Maybe I should just buy a lottery ticket.  I've heard that lottery ticket sales in Arizona are up considerably...just like our unemployment and poverty rates.  It makes me think we're all pretty desperate here. :\  I'm just looking for a way to actually be the one to raise the kid I made.  

Maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and this'll be Harry Potter world...and I'll be a witch...and everything will be as magical as the pacific northwest.

Here's to hoping...or believing in fantasy :)  G'night!

<3