I see the sun peeking...

Literally and figuratively.  It's probably going to be a pretty fantastic day outside...I'll be inside for the most part, though. I'm on day 4 of whatever illness this is, and I'm thoroughly tired of being sick.  Getting a job is supposed to be a good thing, full of new goodness and new money...but it's hard to get either of those things when you also get new illnesses that keep you firmly placed on your couch, rather than in your place of employment.  In an effort to change the pace of this last week and a half, I've decided to write about the good aspects of all that's gone wrong.

First and foremost, I'd like to address this random illness.  My inner ears have always given me issues...from room-spinning dizziness to throat infections.  It's not much fun, but it does lead to weight loss in the new year!  It's really hard to eat in a spinning room...and the results are often exactly as one would expect.  While illness may not be my preferred method, it's a method none the less.  And let's face it, most women secretly (and some publicly) wish to drop a few pounds each January.  I'm not one for resolutions, but I'll take a happy coincidence any time :)

The POS car breaking down at the grocery store...after I got produce and frozen foods... well, that could have been much worse.  My mom had planned to drive that car to Tucson over the weekend, and it would have been much more complicated getting it towed from there to a place that would have been closed.  And she didn't end up stranded in Tucson.  And I found out just how quick and well AAA works.  But I think the most important thing I learned from that is that my son is a real trooper.  He didn't whine AT ALL.  He was stuck sitting in a hot car, and all he asked for was a drink.  He didn't cry, he didn't kick the seat... When we got out to let the tow truck do its thing, he watched with quiet excitement (quite a task for a nearly 3-year-old).  When we got to the mechanic, he stayed where he was supposed to stay.  He read an old issue of Guns and Ammo (not really my idea of good reading material for a toddler, but whatever) and looked at model cars.  He was just an absolutely perfect child.  I was pretty proud... pretty impressed with his attitude.

And besides, the car is fixed now.

The lack of a hot water heater for a few days... every single shower I've had since getting the new hot water heater has been amazing.  I've been much more grateful for what I have.

The blown up microwave and outlet got me a nice new microwave.  The outlet is fixed, too.  I still haven't figured out all the buttons, but it's pretty.

All my textbooks arrived on time, for once.  I really miss shopping at the UA bookstore, but at least this semester I'm prepared.  The best part of this is that I actually bought the books for my writing class, and I really like one of them.  I can see myself referencing it in the future.

I've had an iPad to play with for a few days now... and I have to admit, the thing is pretty cool for Oliver.  It's mostly useless for me...I can't type fast on it and it's just not fast enough for me overall.  The little kid phonics games are lots of fun for Oliver, though.  He likes it a lot more than I do... so maybe I'll look into other tablet-like devices and see if I can find one with similar games.  There's just no way I can justify buying an iPad.  It's nice to see my kid getting interested in a tech toy and actually being able to learn from it :)

Then there's the accidental 8-week writing class.  For some reason, I think I knew I was signing up for an 8-week class during registration.  I just completely forgot.  I'm sure I thought it'd be an excellent idea, because I'd get it out of the way and have less to do in the end of the traditional semester.  That's still true, and if I survive the next few weeks, it'll be nice to have a break.  I wanted to be forced to write something...and now I'm REALLY forced.

There's one good thing that's happening this week that doesn't have roots in anything bad.  I'm paying off a credit card.  Two down, two to go!  I'm very excited :)

And finally, as the room is not currently spinning, I think I'm going to have a brownie.  :)

Return of the Bad Blogger

It's a new year and this is a new blog post!  I'm doing my best to remain positive this year, and this year is raging back - saying, "I CHALLENGE YOU to keep that unnaturally cheerful disposition in the face of all I'll give you, AND raging pms."  You're right, you're right...I am not a particularly cheerful person, but I am generally capable of finding the good and/or humorous side of whatever is going on.  It's been getting increasingly difficult, though.  Last Monday I was really not looking forward to going back to work.  Having only one day off was insufficient and I was cranky.  I got to the parking lot, picked up my purse, and noticed that it had cat puke all over one side.  Awesome, right?  The next day, the hot water heater broke.  I can survive one day without a shower, and without killing anyone as a result of not having showered.  At the end of that day, I was boiling water on the stove and preparing a lovely 6-inch bath for myself.  This went on for a while.  Please keep in mind that, with raging pms and not nearly enough chocolate on the face of the earth to calm me, saying that I was unkind would be an understatement.  Looking back, I'm not sure how some people survived.  Friday morning I finally got a wonderful shower, and thought that just based on that, the whole day had to be excellent.  And then the dreaded monthly visitor arrived.  19 years and I still whine... Anyway, I had things to do!  I had to go get a storage unit so that I can re-do Oliver's room, I needed to shop, and I wanted to take Oliver to the library.  We made the rounds, but at some point I managed to lose my coffee, so we had to go back to Starbucks.  Convenient, I guess, because I also needed some produce and a bag of coffee for home brewing, and Starbucks is in Safeway.  I always park way out in the middle of nowhere, partially because walking across a parking lot IS exercise, and partially because I'm terrible at parking.  This came in very handy when Oliver and I got back to the car...loaded it up with even more groceries...and the damn thing wouldn't start.  I am so glad I have AAA.  And so glad I parked in bfe, so that the tow truck could get to us...  The tow truck driver was nice... Oliver thought the whole process was a huge adventure...and the fact that I wanted the car relocated to the railroad tracks and lit on fire was met with many laughs (though all concerned understood my frustration with the thing).  It didn't go on the railroad tracks, and there was no ceremonial burning... but it does have to get a new fuel pump.  :(  I really need to buy a car.

We stayed home yesterday, to avoid anything else going terribly wrong.  And also because we don't have a car until Monday afternoon.  Oliver got all mucusy and fevery about half way through the day.  The only really good things that happened were...um... well, the Red Wings won (always a good thing)...and I made some pretty awesome fried pickles.

Today I woke up with a massive headache.  I still have the headache, and have taken motrin... and there are still tears streaming down my face because it hurts so much.  My ears are stuffy.  My eyes feel like they're going to pop out of my head.

Such a fun week.

At least I'm getting this out of the way early in the year.

But I think I need to lay with my eyes closed for a while...

Nearly Done...

Finally got nearly everything done.  The presents are purchased, wrapped, and sitting under the tree.  The laundry is nearly done.  I baked 2 kinds of cookies today AND got rid of almost all of them, so that I won't find myself in a sugar coma due to my inability to stop eating them. I still have one final to do, and a big stack of xmas cards to mail...and I haven't even tried to get into the closets or the toy box yet.  I have a couple long weekends coming up, though.  :)  I really look forward to the long weekends... and dread everything after the second week of January.  It's all normal then.  No nice long vacations to look forward to, no holidays... I'm sure I'll be taking some time off around Oliver's birthday, but still.  There's nothing but average for quite a while.

This last week was annoying.  I felt no love for the patrons... I spent most of the week working on a computer problem that almost drove me over the edge.  The relief from finally solving the problem was short-lived, because once accomplished, I felt so accomplished that I was done.

Next semester I have a writing class... and I really can't wait.  I'm so creatively stifled.

We're watching the new Peanuts movie, Happiness is a Warm Blanket, Charlie Brown.  Linus sounds ok, but the other voices are a bit off.  I hoped it wouldn't bother me, but...it does.  It's like...a remake...but not.

Like...can you imagine if A Christmas Story was redone??  Wouldn't that be terrible??!

In Oliver news...the embarrassing moments keep coming.  Last night, while walking through the store, he got a tampon out of my purse.  He was waving it around at people...like it was a little light-saber...with sound effects included.  Noticing that was bad enough.  Turning around to see my ex standing there...well, that was embarrassing and hilarious.

Ok... I think I've gained strength through pizza...so I'm going to tackle at least one bin of toys tonight.  Or maybe just get some laundry put away.

A Call for a 36-hour Day.

Or maybe a plea.  Because that's what it's going to take for me to get all that I want accomplished...and only if no additional time is spent at work.  Is it terrible that I still have black Friday toys in boxes?  Is it terrible that, despite my best efforts, Oliver's toy box and closet and book shelves have yet to be sorted and nothing has been added to the donations box?

I got a good deal of my semester taken care of yesterday, but at some point I lost my motivation, and it's yet to return.  :|  What a shame...I so love networking.  I still need to do my networking final... and right now I should be working on a website (or 2) and/or taking some tests.  Seems I always find the time to blog when I have things I actually need to get done.

At least I managed to locate the tree...and the decorations.  Oliver really enjoyed helping with that this year :)

Speaking of Oliver...and speaking of speaking... that kid is beyond entertaining lately.  The other night we had a whole conversation about ghosts.  He claims to see them... says they're white and don't have feet.  He was a little unclear as to the size of their eyes, but says they do have eyes.  At the time of the conversation, he informed me that there were no ghosts in the house, or outside... which was... comforting.  I think.

He's also come up with a few other revelations.  This morning he informed me, almost immediately after waking, that only little kids have penises.  He didn't elaborate.  Last night he said he wouldn't pee on me, so that I wouldn't have to do laundry.  Considerate of him, right?  Also, cats don't eat cake...or excavators... nor are they fond of coffee.  He's also decided that he likes Harry Potter a lot...and this is either a testament to his bravery or my cowardice: he's watched the scene with Aragog.  He's watched more than once, and is equally fascinated each time.  He says the spiders are yucky and slimy.  No, I have not ever watched that particular scene...I have only a vague idea as to what happens then.  I agree wholeheartedly that spiders are yucky, and am glad that they aren't also slimy.  Wouldn't that just make them worse??  Being THAT creepy... and leaving a trail like a slug.  Or like that alien with a cold in Flight of the Navigator...

Just imagine that guy with 8 legs and way too many eyes crawling down your bedroom wall in the middle of the night.  And what would happen if you had to step on it?  They'd survive much better if we had to risk the loss of a pair of shoes to kill 'em.

Have I ever mentioned that I want a puckmarin??  Because I do.  Not having a puckmarin OR a mogwai... talk about leftover childhood disappointments.

And that just reminded me... Oliver's been talking about Santa.  I have no idea where he's getting this stuff from.  I've never had any desire to tell my kid about Santa...I find the whole thing dishonest and creepy.  "Yes, son, an eccentric old fat guy watches you sleep.  He stalks you during the day, too... and takes notes.  He enslaves both midgets and reindeer.  And yes, I would like you to go sit on his lap at the mall.  Oh, and by the way, he'll be breaking into the house in a couple weeks."  And then later, I'll have to tell him I made it all up.  I mean no offense to those of you who plan to do the whole Santa thing...really... but here's your heads up - my kid will be the one who tells his whole preschool class that Santa isn't real.

Anyway... time to figure out the new printer, clean a few rooms, and then relax with some roast and veggies.  :)  My house smells amazing, btw.

The books of the months... and saving the best for last.

While in KS I read the Fallen series by Lauren Kate.  They were okay...I don't think I loved them but I didn't hate them.  It's just that angels don't really do it for me.  I'll read the last book when it comes out, but it's not like I'm holding my breath.

At some point I read Enclave by Ann Aguire.  I had really high hopes for the book.  I also thought it was a stand-alone, as in, not the first book in a series.  That alone was a big part of why I was so hopeful.  About half way though the book, I realized it couldn't end any time soon...so I looked it up and was terribly disappointed to find that it's book one of a trilogy.  The story itself was decent.  Post-apocalyptic world where people live underground and have to fight for everything.  It seemed like it was going somewhere interesting.  Then there were zombies.  I find it so difficult to take a book seriously when there are zombies.  I should really take some time to consider my aversion to zombies - I don't find them scary, and in fact my first favorite movie ever was Night of the Living Dead (the original).  But, I don't think of them as a serious threat. Perhaps there's too much humor surrounding all things zombie for me to consider the possible implications of real-life zombies.  Maybe I'd just prefer a more realistic threat... or a threat that isn't so... transparent.  Zombies just want to eat people...but they don't care about the destruction of people or society because they're mindless.  Mindless things aren't evil (except....well I won't get into politics here).  So, anyway... I liked the book apart from the zombies.

I also read Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs.  With a name like that, I just knew he'd be spectacular.  I was not disappointed.  I also don't know if I've already written about this here or not.  I know that I absolutely loved the story.  There were a couple times when it was slow, but the writing was so good that it didn't matter.  I've never read anything similar to this... the time loops, the circus-freak-like characters (capable of making fire or floating...and the invisible boy), THIS particular kind of magic is all new.  The process of creating the story was just as interesting, to me, as the story itself.  There were pictures peppered throughout - creepy old pictures.  They were like old-fashioned circus freak images.  The story had a very dark feel in many places, and a lot of really magnificent characters and creatures.  I wish that the *love* story would have blossomed a little more, but there will be more books and more time for that later.  Because the story is slow at times, I wouldn't recommend this one to everyone.  But, for those who appreciate the craft of writing, this is an excellent example of doing it right.

Just this afternoon I finished Crossed, the second in the Matched trilogy by Ally Condie.  I found nothing but problems with this book.  The chapters switched back and forth between the two main characters, but neither was well-developed...so I kept forgetting which character I was reading.  The story that was started in the first book was a rather typical dystopian teen love story.  Girl gets matched to perfect guy, but there's a mistake and she's also matched to the bad boy.  Naturally she falls for the bad boy.  He gets kicked out of the Society, and she goes to find him.  Book two is about her finding him and him finding her.  Then it turns into her wanting to find the Rising...and him not wanting to find the Rising.  There wasn't enough going on...not enough about the Society or anything interesting.  It wasn't emotionally engaging at all.  There were a couple things that were a little interesting, but they weren't explained...stuff just left for the next book.  I was horrified to see that someone had compared it to The Hunger Games.  At this point, I'm not sure I'll be reading the final book in the series.

Now for a list of things I've tried to read but gave up on, for whatever reason...
Never Let Me Go - Kazuo Ishiguro.  I tried.  It was boring.  Despite all the great things I've read about the book...it wasn't able to hook me in the first little bit, so I gave up.
Life as We Knew It - Susan Beth Pfeffer.  I didn't try very hard with this one.  I hate journal format.  I also hate when the entire premise of a book is scientifically impossible.  If you're going to write sci-fi, write it well... don't assume your reader is too dumb to fact-check.
Starcrossed - Josephine Angelini.  This is actually unfair to list here, since I do want to read the book.  The only reason I gave up was that the formatting didn't convert... the pdf to mobi thing sort of...ate a bunch of letters and/or punctuation.  I read a few books missing letters, and my brain gets it after a bit... but when there isn't any punctuation, it's difficult to tell what's going on.

ANYWAY.  Like I said...saving the best for last.  It's not often that I become completely absorbed in a book.  It's not often that an author creates a world so beautiful and magical that I actually want to live in it... but Erin Morgenstern did just that with The Night Circus.  I fell so in love with the feeling of the book... the style and skill and emotion expressed.  A while back, NPR had a list of books for people who were sad that Harry Potter was over... had this book been published at the time, it would have topped the list.  It's the story of two magicians who are raised to compete against each other... but they aren't told much more than that.  An entire circus is created as their competition - and it is amazing.  They compete, collaborate, and... every single thing about the book is magical.  I wish it would have ended with Prospero's lines from The Tempest... but I love it anyway.  It's right up there with HP and The Hunger Games...amazing from start to finish.

And...now I sleep.

I'm a terrible blogger.

It's been a while since I've found time to write anything...here or otherwise.  This whole *being employed* thing is really getting in the way of my regular life.  I certainly hope I'm not permanently creatively stifled.

Right now I'm trying to fight feeling awful...knowing yet another cold or something is coming.  Oliver is in his third week of having whatever he has.  He's finished his antibiotics, but still has the cough...and it's getting bad again.  Guess I'll just have to call the doc tomorrow.  It's so frustrating to have a sick kid... :(  it's only compounded by not feeling well myself.

Anyway... we had Thanksgiving, and it was as usual.  There was food, and Oliver didn't really want to eat any of it.  I'm still enjoying leftovers.  After dinner, I went to bed.  I left the house a bit before 10 for Black Friday, and it was fun.  I had to park pretty far away...but got everything I wanted (except the $3 waffle maker).  I'm currently using the new laptop, named Friday.  I haven't yet hooked up the printer..or even taken it out of the box.  It was enough for me to get some programs installed on this today!  I also got a Shark Steamer...something I've wanted for a long time.  Oliver and I steam cleaned part of the kitchen the next day :)  I got Oliver some cars and a new Play-Doh kit.  His main xmas present isn't going on sale, and will have to be ordered (it's a big blue truck).  The next day, Oliver and I went back to the store for the one thing I didn't get during the initial sale - a camera.  The line was waaaay too long, so I gave up.  The next day, we got the last one they had.  We gave it to my mom when we got home, because it was a birthday present and not an xmas present.

We've got the whole area ready for the xmas tree...all the necessary furniture has been moved and the carpet has been shampooed.  I'm too tired to put the thing up, though.  Meant to do it Friday, but didn't get around to it...and yesterday I worked.  Today has been a long day of...nothing.  Installing programs, reading a sub-par book, and hoping my immune system kicks in soon.

Something I've learned since returning to work is that the public is unclean.  No one cares how sick they are when they leave the house.  No one cares what kinds of nasty germs they leave all over everything and everyone.  Please, people...stay home when you're sick.  Don't infect me.  My immune system isn't prepared for all of this.  I was at home with a kid for two and half years...not exposed to much at all...so I'm weak!

Anyway... that's enough of the nothing.  Time for a book update.

In Memory of...

This morning I woke up knowing the day just felt...wrong.  There was something off, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  I've been sick most of the week, but...this felt different.  I got ready for work in a daze, stood in line at Starbucks, and then went home sick from work.  Once I get this out, I should be well enough to go back in - because now I know why I am beside myself today.  Seven years ago today, my dad died.

I was downloading Rise Against to replenish my files after the most recent reformat, and decided to listen to Swing Life Away.  The very first time I heard the song, I thought of my dad.  I suppose it's only fitting that that was the song playing when my aunt called to say he'd died.

The week that he died, I had been thinking about what his funeral would be like.  It'd been years since I last saw him or spoke to him, but just felt that it'd be soon.  I imagined what it'd be like to see family members I didn't know or hadn't seen in a decade.  I wondered in particular about my cousin Andrew...about what kind of guy he was growing up to be.  The things that I imagined were far from the reality that I found myself in the next week.

There's so much about this that I repress.  Mostly, the guilt.  I was 19 years old the last time I saw him.  He was happy to see me when my cousin dropped me at his house (by force, because I wasn't exactly willing).  We had a good day.  It was interesting to see the similarities between us, even after virtually no contact for most of my life.  When I left that day, we exchanged addresses.  I told myself that I'd write to him once, and if he wrote back, we'd go from there.  But if he didn't, I was done.  I never heard from him.

The August before he died, I was in Kansas.  He was working just a couple blocks over, but I wouldn't go see him.  Everyone knew I was in town, and if he'd wanted to see me, he could have come over any time.  My grandma said that one day I'd regret refusing to see him.  I can't say that it's a regret, but the guilt stings.  I know I wasn't responsible for the lack of relationship between he and I when I was a child, but I can't help but think I should have behaved better as an adult.  It took a couple months of therapy to stop blaming myself.  I had what my therapist termed 'complicated grief,' which basically meant there were aspects to the mourning process that I was unable to work through in the typical ways.

I always saw my father's death as the death of a familiar stranger.  It's difficult to reconcile feelings when you don't know what your feelings are... I think part of me will always feel the guilt.  And as a wave of guilt washes over, so does a wave of anger.  The anger has only increased since becoming a mother.  I don't understand his indifference.

And then there's the book.  I've tried to work on it.  I never had the heart to tell anyone in the family that the book is something I hate.  Responsibility is the only thing that's kept me from burning it.  I got a rough draft of the book for my 16th birthday, accompanied by a letter.  The letter explained that the book was his life's work, and his reason for being such a terrible father.  I've never read it.  However, the letter came in handy when it was time to write something for the funeral...since I knew so little.

And the funeral was surreal.  There were so many people...and they all told me stuff about my father.  They told me about how he loved me and worried about me...all things I had no first-hand knowledge of.

I was in shock the whole time I was in Kansas for the funeral, but remember one thing very clearly: the smell of death.  It never leaves.  Once you know it, it stays with you forever.  My cousin, the same who called to tell me about my father, lost her husband (my actual cousin) a couple months later.  She told me that the smell came in the days before he died.  It's an overpowering sickening sweetness.  It clings to everything.  Just thinking of it now brings it back, mingled with cigarette smoke and wood burning and the damp cold of November in Kansas.

Something else that I've told very few people is that... I saw what was left behind.  No one told me much at the time, and I know they were just trying to protect me from further breakdown, so I've never been mad about being kept in the dark.  I just wish I'd never seen what was in the cellar.  My father had a heart attack on his way to get a cup of coffee.  He never knew - the autopsy said it would have been instant.  On his way down, he hit his head.  There was blood.  It was also a few days to a week before anyone found him, and it'd been warm.  Intellectually, I knew that there had to be some degree of decomposition.  I never allowed myself to really consider what that meant.  Even in the house with its smell of death.  I'm thankful I was spared the sight of that on the kitchen floor.  The trash bags full of bloody rags and paint scrapers edged with coagulated blood in the cellar were more than I could take.  I didn't realize what I was looking at at first... it wasn't until I'd emptied half of the bags out on the floor that I realized.  Someday I hope to forget all that.

Despite everything, the worst of it is that I have no stories to tell.  As the one person who should, I feel at a loss.  Family members have passed things on since his death - mementos, photos, etc. - but I have few memories of my own.

My mom told me that he used to sit on the back porch of our little farmhouse and play this song... seems a good place to end this: