Despite all the good...

No matter what happens today, I can't shake the bad mood.  I really feel like a cartoon character with the permanent rain cloud overhead...following me everywhere.

I watched Harry Potter...and it was great...REALLY great.  I loved it all.  It was a near-perfect goodbye.  I only cried for about half of it...Ron and Hermione's first kiss, everything having to do with Snape (I always trusted him!!), all the Weasleys crying, Tonks and Lupin...nearly everything in the forest and the train station...and the epilogue, of course...little Albus Severus was adorable.  It was so respectfully done...   Maybe the goodbye aspect is why I'm feeling so down...

It's probably more than likely that I'm feeling like crap because I have gotten my hopes up twice this week... about potential-work-related things... only to have them completely crushed.  Or mostly.  It's just really hard to stay motivated and positive when continually running into a wall.

The book I'm reading is decent.  That's something to be happy about.

I've written more in the last week than I have in the last 5 years, and I'm unbelievably proud...and really hoping that the disenchantment I'm feeling doesn't seep into this area.  

Guess I should really just focus on the good today... and it's mostly been found through my mistakes.  

Being that this is HP7pt2 day, I clicked on a link that said "Harry Potter Uncut!!!"  It was a completely accurate title... but I really wasn't expecting an extremely naked Daniel Radcliff standing next to a horse.  It was from a play he did, and he was legal when it was taken, but still...  That was just so much more of him than I'd ever anticipated seeing.  I am uncomfortable admitting that I lingered on that page for more than a split-second...and that the image of Harry Potter...uncut...is permanently burned into the backs of my eyelids.

I'm also realizing that, while it's only 8:25PM, I should probably go to bed.  Oliver is sitting beside me, playing with trucks and drinking juice, and I've been flipping through a parenting magazine.  There's an article on fruits and vegetables, and which are cleanest when purchased from the store.  I read through the lists and got really stuck on grapefruit.  I couldn't for the life of me remember what a grapefruit was.  I thought, "grapefruit" for at least 30 seconds before an image popped into my head... a medium-sized yellow and brown skinned fruit with a bunch of spiky green leaves on top...all of it a bit poky.  The "grapefruit grapefruit grapefruit" came out in my head, very confidently, looking a lot like this:

The really sad thing is that it took a little while for me to realize I was thinking of a pineapple.  And I love grapefruits AND pineapples.

Oliver just informed me that there's a moff in the hall...maybe THAT'S why I have issues with remembering what things are.... I know what a moff is.  I'm mostly fluent in 2yr old, and it's sapped my ability to identify common fruits.

Think I'll go take care of the moff.

Guess what's awesome!?

YAY FOR THE LIBRARY!!!  The county finally got Divergent... I put a hold on it, so eventually I should get to read it :)  I've been salivating for this book for way too long.  I also got Before I Fall today, which I was just planning to change the hold status of, but things worked out in my favor.  I like Lauren Oliver, but can't help but hate her, too... she's younger than me and super successful...and her fiance is pretty hot.  I also put a hold on The Magicians (which NPR claims is like Harry Potter: The College Years).  NPR is also suggesting that Hogwarts grads read Ender's Game...which has been on my list forever, and I've been putting it off.  Here are some pics...because now I feel like a cheater if I don't post book pics.

The later it gets today, the more near-regret I feel for staying home tonight.  There's no way I could stay up until midnight anyway, but staying home really makes me feel like less of a fan.  I'll be there in spirit, in full Ravenclaw robes...clutching my box of kleenex...sitting in line for hours (and LOVING IT).  I mean that, too.  I really enjoy being in line for HP movies.  I also enjoyed the LOTR lines.  There's a good energy...lots of anticipation :)

Tomorrow, hopefully, I'll be watching.  We'll see how far I make it before dissolving into a sniveling mess (I'm guessing less than 5 minutes).  For now, <3 all you HP fans... gonna have pizza with my little one and watch some more Family Guy...then curl up with books.

I'm only doing this out of obligation.

I've read a couple blogs today and now I feel guilty for not having written in mine.

Oliver had a great swimming lesson last night, and a not so great one this morning.  He cried a little last night, but ended up floating around like a champ :)  I was so proud!  This morning he seemed interested, but the water was really cold.  He just cried whenever we were in the water.  The other little boy who was there this morning (yeah, only one other kid made it) is a total daredevil.  I wish some of his fearlessness would rub off on Oliver.  He'll actually jump off the edge into the water.  Oliver says "no."

Oliver also had a pretty rough learning experience this evening.  I took a pan out of the oven, and he said "hot"... but that didn't stop him from touching it... with his chin.  :(  I think a couple of his fingertips are a bit burnt, too.  Poor kid.  I'd hoped this would be something he'd continue to take my word for, but I guess he's a learn through experience type.  He cried even more when I tried to put aloe on it, but was perfectly fine with polysporin.  I just hope it doesn't scar... there's a big raised white line all across his chin :(

Also, I'm either getting sick or allergic to dogs.  I'd prefer to be sick, honestly...but not sure that's what it is.  Oh well.  Oliver didn't nap today, so at least we'll be able to go to bed early.

Anyway... I didn't have anything to say to begin with, so I'm going to go away now.  :)

I'm nearly out of words.

Inspiration came... and I wrote the first chapter to what will one day be book one.  It's short, yet I feel that it says too much.  The last paragraph works...and I'm sure I'll keep it after revisions.  For this I owe T.S. Eliot a debt of gratitude...but instead I'll just open with his words.  Now all I have to do is keep writing, with or without the almighty inspiration.

My brain is so done.

For today, at least.  :)

Waiting for the Storm...

This monsoon season is all about the wait.  It gets dark and cloudy all of a sudden...it gets unbearably humid...there's thunder and lightning... the temperature drops 10 degrees in a matter of minutes... but then it's gone as fast as it arrived, leaving the ground completely dry.  Leaving me dissatisfied.  Swimming lessons were cancelled last week, due to the weather, but no rain came.  The only REALLY substantial rain we've had was on the 4th of July (like always).  It was pretty awesome :)  I just want that every day.  It's not too much to ask, really...

Like, right now I can hear thunder.  I've heard thunder on and off since this morning.  No rain, though.  I don't even want to get my hopes up for any lounging on the back porch in rain.

It reminds me of a bad kiss after an amazing first date.  All the electricity builds up...the excitement...only to be left with nothing.  Worse than nothing, really.  Disappointment is so much worse than nothing.

Anyway... I haven't been reading much.  I've been trying, but nothing's caught my attention.  I have 2 more books sitting by the couch that I may or may not start today.  One is the "companion book" to The Forest of Hands and Teeth.  While I didn't much care for that, I'm bored and really willing to give most anything a try.  I have read one thing that I've liked...just finished a little bit ago, actually.

This book was pretty depressing...but also pretty good.  I'd read a bit about it before checking it out, and was actually more interested in the author's other book, but I take what I can get.  This book felt intentionally unfinished...and when I had about 20 pages left to go, I started worrying that it was part of a series.  I didn't realize until the end, and after checking online to confirm my suspicions, that I was reading book one of a trilogy.  One that won't be completed until February of 2013.  At least Pandemonium is worth the wait.

And as I look to the right, there's another reminder of a book that I've been wanting to read for a while.  Those of you who have Amazon Associates know about the product search/list...the groupings of like products... and there's Divergent.

It's actually at the top of my list now.  And thanks to the Amazon thing, I may wait a while... because it's called Divergent (Divergent Trilogy)...and it just came out.

Dystopia really is in right now... and I'm so glad.  :)

Anyway... other than mothering, reading, and the perpetual job hunt, I've been working on laying out my own novel ideas.  I currently have 2 that are fighting inside me...they want to be one, but can't.  They're completely unrelated, and it's sad because they're both rather unique.  In one, I've managed a simple way into another world and back again...That's the easy story.  The easy trilogy.  The one I have an ending to already...at least to the first book...it gets a little complicated after that.  The other is a story within a story...about maps, mostly...and it's mostly surreal.  I just need to create some 'world' for it to exist in...just one.  I've already written a part of its end...or maybe beginning.  I've got Rumi to thank for that...odd, right?  Poetry really pisses me off most of the time.

I've also been putting together a shop on etsy... it's not up and running because I'd like to get it all online at once, and for that I need planning :)  I'll be doing tarot readings and astrology charts, individual or relationship-related things.  I figure with 16 years of tarot and at least 10 of astrology, I may as well turn hobbies into something that generates an income.  Besides, I'm not creepy.  I don't look like what you'd expect a tarot reader to look like...nor do I act all mystical...or spooky.  Maybe that'll be a comfort for people who are curious, but who also think 'psychics' are creepy and weird.  (and for the record, I don't even believe in psychics...)

I wish it would rain.

Maybe I'll do a rain dance.  Or a rain mile-run on my stepper while listening to Pink...or watching Harry Potter.

Speaking of Harry Potter... I can't believe it's almost over.  Granted, I didn't become aware of HP until 9 or 10 years ago, I still can't really remember a time when the series wasn't important to me.  The first 5 movies were on tv this weekend, and I watched them all.  It was unbelievably bittersweet.  Harry, Ron, and Hermione were all so little and cute when this started...still so innocent.  I (stupidly) read an interview with spoilers the other day...I didn't realize they were going to do the epilogue.  That was what sealed my decision to watch online before going to the theater.  I won't make it through the first few notes of Hedwig's Theme withing dissolving into a sobbing mess...but I wasn't even able to say Albus Severus for months after reading the book without getting teary.  Before finding out about the epilogue, Snape would have been the worst of it...well, that and Harry going out to the forest.  Or the train station... Or Tonks and Lupin... seriously there's just no way I could see this in public.  I've gotten all teary-eyed just thinking about it now.  I do HAVE to see it in the theater, though.  Eventually.  When I can make it with as few tears as possible...so I can wear contacts and 3D glasses.  :)  Dear Russia, dear Sweden...move swiftly this week... :)

I really want rain.  And coffee.... so I'm gonna go take care of the one of those things over which I have some control.

<3

monsoon night.

There is absolutely nothing better than sitting on the back porch in a big rocking chair with my son on my lap... watching a storm roll in...

Reading things... still...

As I continue on my "Reading for Research Purposes" journey, I find there's little out there that really captures my attention...and emotions.  Since my last post about books, I've read the following:


The first three are a pretty solid trilogy, and the forth is a good book, too...though I feel it was unnecessary.  These are very light.  I never felt emotionally involved with any of the characters, and none of the 'romance' ever felt like anything special.  The characters didn't have a lot of depth.  Some of that may have been intentional, because of the things going on in their worlds, but I really feel that it's important to have depth and *real* change in characters as the story develops.  I'm not saying these are bad books - not at all - but they were just... light.  Fluffy.  The stuff they were dealing with was so serious, but there was just...no emotion behind it.  Perhaps it's the way that men approach emotion as opposed to how women do... That's something I've learned this summer: when a woman pulls up a past event as a way to stir the emotions, it's used eloquently and generally it's the right event/word/vision at the exact right time (of course there are exceptions...).  Male authors are less consistent in this area.  Westerfeld provided a nice diversion in these books...


I took a risk reading this.  I'm not a big fan of books about regular humans living in a normal world.  The reason I went for it was because of the amnesia - that provides for a lot of self-discovery and growth.  It started out very well.  The self-discovery was there: teen girl realizes she's a petty, self-absorbed brat.  It doesn't take a Hollywood turn, though.  All these things are realized, but nothing much is done.  The book was okay, but the ending was just so average...so normal...that I was bored.  It was exactly what would really happen.


...I read to escape things like that...I don't have any desire to read about the world I actually live in...



I picked this up based solely on the title.  It sounded like it'd be interesting.  The thing is, I'm not a big fan of zombies.  I'm just not.  I've tried... really.  My favorite movie as a child was Night of the Living Dead (the original, of course).  The story wasn't bad, I guess.  I didn't get emotionally involved with any of the characters, and the romantic aspect was weak and mostly empty.  There was a lot of death.  A LOT.  This author killed all the time...didn't care who was being killed.  My biggest problem with the book was how it ended.  Pretty much nothing happened, and I was disappointed.  I didn't find out until just a couple minutes ago that there are two more books in the series.  Oops.  Guess I'll check the library site and see if I can get the next two books...though I didn't care for the characters...even the few who lived.


Some parts of this book were pure genius, and others were not.  There are two worlds, a prison and the real world - and naturally, the real world is a prison in its own way.  The real world prison is the aspect of this book that I find to be the most interesting.  They follow a strict Protocol... they've chosen an era from the past and live in it...as a way to eliminate all those things that come along with competition and the creation of new things.  Everything is period.  It came across as 18th century Europe... with royalty and poverty.  Everything was controlled - even the weather.  It was a really unique take on the future and ways to control a society.  The rest of the story wasn't as genius... and this is one female author who wasn't adept at creating an emotional connection between the characters themselves or the reader and the characters.  Absolutely nothing was settled in the end, and honestly, there are more questions than answers, so I'll probably have to get the next book.  Again, it's tough to continue with a series when I feel so little for the characters.


I am REALLY trying here, but... try as I might, this book isn't hooking me.  I read around 20 pages yesterday and was so terribly bored that I didn't even bother with a bookmark.  The writing is really good.  Atwood is clearly a very talented author, but I'm not interested in the main character.  He's not a hero-type; he's really kind of gross.  Unfortunately, he's not gross enough for it to matter.  I just feel nothing for him.  I don't care if he finds what he's looking for.  Typically I'm all about the character-driven novel, but in this case, I think a better hook might have been the world in which they live.  The jacket hints at some interesting stuff... but there's just no room for a slow start.  I think I might be giving up on this one... which will be a first this summer.

And that's it for what I've been reading...in the fiction department, anyway.  I'm still working on 70 Mistakes Writers Make...and the usual plethora of articles and blogs.  As a reader of mostly nonfiction, all these stories are starting to seep into my interpretation of the world in a disappointing way.  After reading HP, I was almost depressed that I lived in this boring world with no Hogwarts and no magic.  I've got to admit, though, that that is the only fiction world in which I really want to live.  And even then, I'd only want to live there if I'd gotten my Hogwarts letter.  Now, I'd be gunning for a letter for Oliver... he'd look great in Ravenclaw robes.  The thing is, reality is awfully dull in comparison to even the most depressing alternate world.

It all makes me think of my most recent Twitter follow - firstworldpains. It's a hilarious yet deeply depressing look at the things we westerners struggle with in our daily lives. Some pains include, "My dog doesn't fit in my Coach handbag," and "I accidentally walked to the non-automatic door at Target and I had to open it myself." Somehow I think that, even though I'd be unsuited for it, a life of struggles lends itself better to a depth of emotion that...matters. Of course it's easier for characters in books to fall in love - they're in life-or-death situations. Their emotions are already piqued, so they're primed for it... bring two (or three) people together under those circumstances, force them to rely on each other, and they'll automatically form a bond. It may or may not be genuine romantic love, but the urgency and necessity of it all falls easily to passion. They're clearly already capable of passion. And then we read books and watch movies and see all these people having thrilling romances...and want it. It kills authenticity, but that's ideals for ya... and entertainment. I'm having trouble deciding if I'm okay with this...

Anyway... It's 11.  I need to get some stuff done before it gets too hot to do anything!  The monsoons should arrive later this week...and I am THRILLED!  The smell of rain in the afternoon... the dark skies and amazing sunsets... the electricity on the air... I really can't wait!  Sadly, I think it's way too late to save our 4th of July, but hopefully we'll get some fireworks later in the year.