I'm still awake.

It's 10:41PM...and I'm sitting here listening to Pantera, wishing my microwave were closer because I don't want to get out from under my warm blankets to heat my coffee.  My phone is beside me...dead.  I also don't feel like getting up to go plug it in...

Today has been exceptionally uneventful.  I watched a few episodes of Lost and read some of a textbook.  I wrote a small assignment that seemed too easy.  It was the kind of easy that makes me worry.  What if it was all trick questions?  Oh well.  I've been such a terrible student this semester that I'm not sure it matters anymore.  I'm registered for Fall and sort of afraid of what I've gotten myself into.  Two 8-week courses that are 5 credits each.  Yeah...that sounds like pure torture.  I worry that I should take some other classes first to better prepare myself.  It's all computer stuff, and despite the fact that I am doing very well in my current class, I don't feel that I've really learned anything.  There's reading it from a book and there's actually doing it - and I haven't done it.  I want to, but...not on my own machines, y'know?  I kind of need them.  And, until I've done the stuff in the books, I don't think I'll feel comfortable saying I know any of it.  :|  What a shame.  I guess I'm not used to a field in which a theoretical understanding of how something functions isn't enough.  I'll have to figure something out, because Fall will be here soon... with the way time is going lately, it'll be here in a week.

Anyway, I also updated the layout here.  It's so difficult to work within the confines of someone else's system.  Using this is sort of like using a page builder program... Their names all escape me because I hate them.  Nothing is ever perfectly centered and it drives me INSANE.  When you do things by hand, the right way, you can get them exactly how you want them.  This annoyance is the price I'll have to pay for the convenience of having this nice box in which I can type entries and then quickly post them.  Whatever the case, though, it was time to stop using their stock images and themes.  I thought about doing something prettier...something fancy with actual photos, but... when it comes down to it, I just like things simple.

While I was making a burrito earlier, I had a sort of revelation.  There is really only one thing that I want.  Just one.  And I want it in a way that I don't quite understand.  I want a huge family.  I don't mean that I want to breed like a rodent.  I want the kind of big, close, warm family that you see on TV (which I know is probably based on an ideal that everyone has and the reality of very, very few).  I even want the dysfunctional aspects of it.  Being an only child is very lonely.  I don't like that my son wasn't born into a giant network of people.  I worry that he'll always have this tiny little family.  I worry that I won't be able to give him a brother or sister someday.  It'd just be really nice to have siblings of my own, and numerous other family members...all living near each other and actually interacting.  We're really not meant to be solitary creatures.  And no, I'm not interested in joining a cult.  Wouldn't mind creating a commune with like-minded individuals and super-green goals, though :)

Anyway... anyone ever hear the song "Is There a Ghost" by Band of Horses??  That's about where I am right now...
<3

This is not the time for that...

I would absolutely love to be sitting down to write all about Oliver's wonderful 2nd birthday (and it was wonderful)...or review his presents (most good, one I need to contact the company about, and one that's unintentionally inappropriate...at least I hope it's unintentional).  But, no... I will not be writing about wonderful happy things right now.  I'm also not going to be writing about our most recent zoo trip...which was great.  Those are things for another day.

Tonight, I'm going to complain about having just spent two days of my life writing something I did not want to write.  When I was an undergrad, I loved my papers.  Writing them was still a hassle, but I generally really enjoyed the topics.  I was also very inclined to take my work seriously (as seriously as I take anything, anyway).  Research was so much fun...  When I was working on my master's degree, I didn't want to write my papers.  Working in libraries is a lot of fun, but learning about them and writing about anything having to do with them is not very fun.  I suppose it's also fair to say that I don't like writing when I have a kid I could be playing with... ANYWAY.  Now that I'm a community college student, with my primary focus being not repaying student loans... it is so difficult to care enough to do anything.  I guess that's not entirely true.  I am planning to get some certificates...Networking I think... maybe something else, too.  It'll depend on the job market.  It's just that this doesn't seem real.  I didn't intend to be in college...still.  I didn't plan to be writing papers about religion.  I'm only taking a religion class because there was no required textbook.  So, I've been sitting here for two days trying to come up with a thesis for a paper that I just realized was due tonight.  My superior organizational skills have fallen to the wayside lately... I've written it and turned it in...and it was probably awful.  Oh well.  I just wish I had a Type A personality all the time.  I'm really Type A about some things...but generally I like to be in a laid back state that's somewhere close to catatonic.  I think I am a Type AB.

Yesterday, while writing the probably awful paper, Oliver walked up to me and opened his arms really big and said, "Ug, mama."  Then he gave me a big hug.  :)  It's simply not possible to continue working when THAT is my alternative.  The only time I feel no guilt for doing something like homework is while he's asleep or at his dad's.  When he's sleeping, I'd rather sleep or clean or take a shower or something.  Like, right now he's asleep (it's 10:30..of course he's asleep).  I think right this second, doing this writing, is the only time in the last two days that I've written more than a sentence without feeling like I should be doing something else.

Did I mention that I've been looking for jobs almost DAILY for what seems like forever and haven't found anything??  How exactly is one to get a bunch of supervisory experience??  It seems that's what disqualifies me from all the decent jobs that'd be worth the time I'd have to spend at them.  But then, I fear no job will ever feel like it's really worth my time... now that I have Oliver, I just can't come up with a job or amount of pay or...anything...that I'd be willing to trade for time with him.  And that's what it is, really.  How much is my time worth?  More than anyone's willing to pay.  I think I'd rather be dirt poor, do only what needs to be done, because it's preferable to paying a day care center to raise my child.

I guess all the unemployment has been good in one respect... I've started a novel.  I don't know where it's going yet...but it'll most likely be violent and upsetting.

Also, I think I want to start writing some reviews for movies.  I watch just about everything that comes out (so long as it's not too much of a boy movie...), and it's been brought to my attention that I hate everything.  If I give something a good review, it comes as a surprise.  I dunno.  I really do dislike most movies.  It's not that there's really something terribly wrong with them... it's just that they could probably be better.

I'm still not over how much I love District 9.  The last scene of that movie was so perfect... The movie doesn't get nearly the credit it deserves.

But...anyway...I should be asleep.  It's going to freeze tonight...possibly snow.  Yes, snow.  In Arizona.  In April.  A week ago it was 95 degrees...today it was 45...with wind chill.  Sleep...so that tomorrow I can wake up and write about properly installing video cards and...something else.

Two.

Oliver will be 2 in 8 days.

My little boy is turning into a big boy.  He's so smart and handsome...and sometimes he's nice (he likes to feel people and he gives hugs and kisses like no other).  He's becoming such a person.  In just the last few weeks I've noticed changes in his personality - particularly more stubbornness.  He's also much more interested in being my helper now.  He has moments of intense frustration that are usually marked by squeals...guess he's gotten my patience.  :)  The only new development I'm not happy about is the fact that he's not happy about brushing his teeth all the time anymore.  He used to WANT to do it...now it takes coaxing, and half the time he cries through it.

On the potty front, well...no progress.  Oliver currently thinks his potty is a hat...or a torture device...or a thing to stand on to get things off the counter.  Once every couple weeks he'll want a potty treat, so he'll go sit on the potty after a bath, but he just doesn't want to use it for its purpose.  He knows when he has to go, but doesn't care.  He'll tell me when he's gone...but when I tell him to go get his diaper changed he always says, "no."  He is VERY interested in undies, though.  I'm hoping that with repeated reminders about the correlation between undies and the potty, he'll get the idea.

We've been using starfall.com a lot lately... gotta say, I love the site almost as much as Oliver.  He loves his letters.  If he sees me at the computer he'll say, "do letters."  He's pretty insistent.  :)

Anyway...this is the last day of spring break and I've gotten nothing accomplished.  I wanted to get at least one pointless project completed and do a bunch of reading...but I just didn't get around to it.  I didn't do anything.  I guess I'll just work my ass off tomorrow.  Oliver's birthday party is this Saturday and I have a billion things to do before then.  At least I gave up on making the cake myself... :)  I ordered one, and it's going to be red and black, and I'll be topping it with a toy firetruck that lights up and makes sounds.  Tomorrow I have to do the following:
Homework
Laundry
Get the rest of Oliver's bday presents
Assemble the wagon and tricycle
Vacuum
Lose 10lbs
Win the lottery
Write a best-seller
Shower
I've decided that putting a shower on the to-do list guarantees that I'll get to cross at least one thing off.

Anyway....my bed is calling... I'll hopefully write more at some point...someday...without letting months pass between entries again :)

Another day..

I realize that I only post here when I have complaints of the monthly variety.  While that is the case this afternoon, I'll abstain...for your sake.

I've been meaning to document this somewhere, before things change and I forget... So... Oliver says "No. Not!" all the time...when he doesn't want to do/have/eat something or go somewhere.  He also says it when he does want something.  I've asked on numerous occasions if he would like a million dollars...he always responds "No. NOT!"  He also says "No I not."  It means the same thing either way... Cute, no?  He also says "thanks" whenever he hands me something.  He's also obsessed with babies.  I'm glad that he's a baby, too...because it might be a little disturbing if someone older was running up to random strollers and saying stuff like "Baby!  Have it.  Push stroller."  Did I mention that he says, "have it" and "see it" a lot?  They mean roughly the same thing, particularly in reference to his grandma.  And...he sings.  :)  He'll sing along with whatever is on the radio...or the Mozart CD.  He also likes one cartoon now - Charlie Brown!  He says "Foopy woo-tock" and I try to comply... but his attention span is still a bit short.  He really only watches the parts with Snoopy and Woodstock.  AND!  One of the cutest things ever...he puts his toys in time out.  He finally understands that it's a punishment...and I guess he has some ill-mannered toys.

Other things... Hm.  Well, life is pretty boring otherwise.  I'm heading down a new path, career-wise.  It's not necessarily one that I'm thrilled by, though from the looks of just the introductory course, I'll at least be challenged.  Computers, here I come!  Be scared...or whatever the computery equivalent to fear of inept operators is...  I used to know a little bit about computers, but have cared about little more than Facebook for so long that I've completely lost touch.  My current text makes me all jittery.  The only time I recall having been challenged thoroughly by a class was...stats.  I ended up really enjoying both stats classes, undergrad and grad, because of the challenge.  I suppose algebra was a challenge, but that was a very long time ago.  I hope that I still have the intellectual agility to learn a new trick...or, at the very least, get over my crippling fear of drivers...or perhaps acquire the patience to refrain from kicking or threatening computers when they don't behave as I want them to (no matter how well that has worked in the past...).  If it doesn't really excite me, why do it, though...?  So that I don't have to move, of course.  Jobs for librarians are few and far between... and most certainly not located in Arizona.  At least not library jobs that pay well.  Someday I'd love to move to Washington state...get a nice job at one of the many, many libraries that hires librarians and offers to PAY them.  For now, though, I think it's best to stick it out in this miserable red state and do what I can for my kid any myself.  If I learn to be a professional geek, at least I'll be increasing my professional marketability.  Whatever the case, it keeps Sallie Mae at bay...

I didn't really make any New Year's resolutions.  They have an insanely high failure rate, and I don't like setting myself up for failure.  :)  BUT!  We had a pretty decent holiday...apart from the pukey virus, which Oliver and I both got.  When I got it, I felt like I was going to die.  When Oliver was sick, he just seemed mildly annoyed by puking.  It made me wonder if super young kids are spared the near-death feelings that come with 24hr puke-fests.  I hope so.  I can't imagine my kid actually feeling that...it was so awful.  Anyway, holiday stuff was typical.  Oliver was spoiled rotten but didn't seem to care.  He got lots of clothes, cars, a giant fire truck, art supplies, Play-Doh and accessories, books, a Power Wheels quad, and even a little bit of candy (which we still have...because I didn't like how much he liked it...).  I'll do another post with specifics and reviews. :)

I wrote all of this, and I really only meant to write about two things: my garden and the things I'm going to get rid of in the next weeks.

First, the garden.  I have a lot of land, time, and curiosity.  I'm planning to start with a relatively small plot...and hopefully expand in the future.  I don't know the current measurements.  I'm going to have to get a bunch of chicken wire to keep out the rabbits.  I already have all the fence posts.  From seeds I'll be planting a few types of lettuce, some peppers, cucumbers, squash, broccoli, green beans, and some other things I can't remember.  I'll be getting little tomato and corn plants to transplant later...and probably some others... It'll depend on what plants are available :)  I'm really most excited to get Oliver his little gardening set so that he can help... he's come out to watch me kill tumbleweeds and he's helped water things since he learned to walk (and he rode along in his pack before then).  We'll see if anything grows :)  I hope to document with pics...

As for getting rid of things...well, I'm going to get rid of 100 things.  I saw this thing on the news the other morning about closet organization.  I'd love to organize my closet, but think I have greater issues to deal with first.  While I did tend to throw out a lot of things each time I move, I still have way too many things.  Why do I have the entire Twilight series??  I'll never read that again... There are so many things I'll never actually use again, and I need to get rid of them.  All the things I've been holding on to for use on future projects need to be used or thrown out now.  The clothes I'll never wear need to go.  At least half of my shoes need to go.  The drawer full of cords and random things needs to be emptied.  The pet supplies for former pets need to go.  I don't know what else there is...but that's sort of the point.  If I don't know I have it, how much do I need it??  Maybe there'll be more than 100 things.  I don't know if they'll just be thrown away, or if I'll sell/trade them.  Maybe I should figure that out!  :)

Anyway, it's a beautiful day... I should be outside dealing with the weeds in my garden area.  Or something.

Difficulty concentrating...

I was born late on a Wednesday.  The average temperature in Plainville, KS, that day was 60 degrees.  There was no rain, no snow, and very little wind.

I share my birthday with John Mellencamp and Simon Cowell.

This isn't my birthday...but I was reading some writing prompts and figured I'd find out what the weather was like on the day I was born.

Oprah was pretty skinny in 1997.

That title doesn't mean anything.  I just happen to be watching Oprah...she has that little girl who sings opera on today. :)  

Anyway.

My day zero list is at 8% complete....I feel like such a slacker!!!

My kid is orange.

I still haven't done the homework that's due today.  I've done the readings and I have opinions...I just don't care very much about the class :(

ok...I wandered off for hours...so clearly I have nothing to contribute here today.  :)

Love and marriage go together like...??

Today I have been doing a lot of thinking about relationships, dating, marriage...and even love.  Why, you ask?  Well, I had to read these two little stories for my American lit class, and while they were boring, they made me recall something I'd seen on some show at some point in the last few weeks.  I don't remember what show, because I wasn't actually paying that much attention.  There was a guy talking about how the divorce rate is lower among couples who have open marriages.  Because the stories I read had infidelity and everyone was happy, I naturally went in search of that show so that I could cite it in my response to the readings...but had no luck.  Along the way I read a lot of articles...and now I feel a new sense of security.

For a long time I've believed that I have intimacy issues.  I absolutely love men...and I enjoy the idea of loving one man for an extended period of time.  Marriage is something that makes me uneasy, though...because of the social stigma surrounding roles of men and women in marriage, and because of what marriage IS in society.  Two people becoming one.  That doesn't sound appealing.  Yes, the union and creation of something special with another person is a beautiful idea... but I've never felt is should be at the expense of either individual.  In our patriarchal societal view of marriage, there is an obvious discrepancy...men and women do not enter on equal ground.  

This society embraces the stereotypical roles and definitions.  They're familiar...comfortable.  But, they force those of us who don't conform to feel that there is something different about us.  Yes, I've felt that I have what society calls 'intimacy issues,' but at the same time, I've felt that my lack of interest in a typical relationship was and is okay.  

I read somewhere today that homosexual couples, when they do decide to enter into long-term relationships, are better able to navigate those relationships because they don't have society defining their roles or relationship... they can come together as two unique individuals and define their relationship based on their own needs and desires.  I don't know if they're thinking about, or if it's true to them...but I am curious.  

I read a bunch of statistics on divorce rates as well... and was not terribly surprised by what I found.  Atheists have a relatively low divorce rate, especially when compared to conservative Christians.  The Bible Belt has extremely high rates of divorce, STDs, teen pregnancy,cohabitation without marriage, and single parent households, along with poor healthcare and low levels of education.  The west coast and the northeastern states, those typically thought of as liberal, are quite the opposite.  Personally, I think that the low divorce rate among liberals and atheists is because we typically do not marry young.

There was another article I read...on Oprah's website...about a woman who was considering getting an apartment.  She didn't want a divorce; she just wanted a place that was her own.  She spoke to other women who had done just that, and one said that she was able to appreciate her husband more for who he was when she was able to see him in a place that was uniquely his - free of the influence of her and of their marriage.  All the women in the article spoke of freedom in marriage...and each partner seeking his or her own path.  I do not know these women, but I am thankful for their perspectives.  I feel so much better knowing that I am not alone in my desire for some distance within my relationships.  I want to be with a man who is concerned with his own life's journey and his intellectual and spiritual evolution....just as I am with mine...and I would like for us to have the freedom and support within our relationship to seek out that growth.  I do not think that an open marriage would work for me, because I could very happily love the same man indefinitely, and I could love him while living in different houses, on different continents, seeing each other on the weekends, living together occasionally...perhaps having a shared home base and private places for ourselves... perhaps we'd just take separate vacations.  I have even regained some small interest in the concept of marriage - if it could be redefined.

I don't know what direction I'd like a relationship to take...but know that I don't have intimacy issues; I just have a different idea of what intimacy means.  I want to creatively redefine the boundaries of and roles within relationships...