TV Boyfriends

Because I did Book Boyfriends, I figured I should also pay homage to the men of the small screen who steal my heart every week...or whenever I decide to play catch-up on a show.  This list is highly biased by momentary whims.

1a.  Niklaus Mikaelson - The Vampire Diaries

The more of his human side he shows, the more I love him.  He has that look...anyone who's seen the show knows the look.  Then again, even the "I'm about to kill you" look is sexy.  And I'm fairly certain that my love for the bad boys was well-established on the last list.

1b.  Spike Spiegel - Cowboy Bebop

In a world where animated men are just as viable as fleshy men, I choose him.  He's a bad boy...and I could listen to his voice forever.

2.  Dr. Spencer Reid - Criminal Minds

His brain is sexy.  So's the rest of him, but...it's the brain that sets him apart.

3.  Vincent Keller - Beauty and the Beast

He's part monster, part doctor...and he has some kind of speech thing that I find intriguing.  Not the strained emotional raspy thing...but the little bits of accent that can't hide.

4.  Ryan Hardy - The Following

It's Kevin Bacon...do I really need to explain this?!  He breaks rules, loves the most dangerous person he could possibly love, and kicks ass.  The alcoholism is a shame, though...


5.  Tyler Blackburn - Pretty Little Liars

He's a sweetheart, a hacker, and very nice to look at.


6.  Jimmy Howard - Red Wings goalie

This totally counts...I watch lots of hockey and I love him.  Most of the time he's even an awesome goalie.

7.  Mike Weston - The Following

He's adorable, a bit of a fanboy, and a bit of a geek.  I like the young FBI guys.

8.  Damon Salvatore - The Vampire Diaries

He's getting a little too nice...thankfully, I know that can't last.  Once he returns to his old ways, he'll move back up the list.

9.  Sam Winchester - Supernatural

Don't give me shit for not being caught up on this show...and don't tell me what a douche he becomes in later seasons. I don't care.  He is beautiful.  He'd be a lot higher on the list if I watched the show...


10.  Dexter Morgan - Dexter

Yeah, I think the serial killer is hot.  He's usually not my type, but that sly smile gets me.


And my bonus guys are:
Danny Desai - Twisted

I bet that when this show starts, he'll be moving up the list.

Eric Northman - True Blood

He's too white and too blonde for me...but I still think he's hot.  It's the bad boy thing, I'm sure.  Even though I can't stomach the show anymore (inbred white trash werepanthers?  yeah...that's when I gave up), Eric is still nice to look at.

They're almost all related to death or serious injury...in some way.  It's not my fault there are so few regular guys on TV these days.  At least there are some humans on this list.  There may be hope for mortal men in my life, after all!  And...in at least a few cases, the actors are just as awesome as the characters they portray...so they're equally hot in real life.  Altruism, humility, and wit...excellent qualities :)

Limits...Limiting...Limitations...etc.

The hourly prompt I saw a few moments ago was the word limit.  My first thought was breaking point.  How far can I go before I can't go anymore?

Answer?  I have no idea.  I'm not there yet.  I think I've been there a few times recently, but only about specific things. 

Example: health issues.  My breaking point on those is mild discomfort, but I won't actually go to a doctor until the discomfort starts getting in the way of having a normal life.  It's never good for a hypochondriac to go to the doctor and find out that it is in fact something, not the nothing you were expecting.  The last few months have been trying, tiring, and nauseating.  But, not long after I reached my limits, my regular doctor also reached his... so it's off to the specialist I go.  Hopefully I'll be back to enjoying food and coffee again soon.

I mean, seriously... ME without coffee OR chocolate.  It's not been pretty sight.

But other limits...more general limits...what's the end of the line?  At what point to do I give up on things?  And what about limitations that are things I could be changing in order to extend the limits on other things?  Does that make sense??  How do I figure out which things are limiting me, and which are not...and how do I change the things that are?

I always figured that at some point I'd stop worrying about silly little things like this.  Maybe I thought I'd be too busy with work/husband/kids/life... Maybe the me that assumed I'd have a husband also thought I'd have things all figured out.

In any case...the word limit isn't really working my brain as well as I'd hoped...but it's at least served to warm up my hands.  Now, on to character development...or outlining...or perhaps even writing something!!  

I wish I could have coffee...someone else please drink some for me.

  

Book Boyfriends!

I've often wondered if I'm destined to pine after only men who don't actually exist.  Most of the men I read about are so much better than the men I meet out in the real world (no offense, real men).  I'm sure that, in a lot of ways, book men have ruined my expectations so much that real men stand no chance.  Oh well.  Perhaps I'll be a cat lady...assuming that I start liking cats at some point.

Is "the crazy book lady" a thing?  Because if not, I get to set the precedent.

Anyway, this morning I was wandering around on Twitter, finding blogs to read and generally wasting some time.  I came across this: mtgreviews: top ten tuesday.  OMG.  Granted, I didn't know all of her book boyfriends... but I certainly relate to the idea of creating a list of these.  I was also able to relate to it not being difficult AT ALL to come up with this list.  Soooo here we go:

1.  Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy – Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen

Bookish people can be united in thinking he’s top man.  I really can’t think of a man I’d rather have… he’s snarky and arrogant in the right ways…and he’s a gentleman…and he has that certain something that makes him irresistible.  (It’s also true that I’m unable to read the book without picturing Colin Firth…bonus!)

2.  Four/Tobias – Divergent, Veronica Roth

What can I say?  He's a badass...he's smart, funny, talented, and kind of dangerous.  

3.  Roar – Under the Never Sky, Veronica Rossi

He’s pure love, cloaked in pure badass… I know I was supposed to be falling in love with Perry, but that was impossible when Roar is just…so much more interesting.

4.  Peeta Mellark – The Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins

Another man who demonstrates pure love, but also a ton of bravery and loyalty...with a sweet side.  I like the love against the odds aspect of his character.

5.  Marco – The Night Circus, Erin Morgenstern

The way that he demonstrated his love was absolute perfection.  He was a creator.  Everything about him and his story was beautiful.

6.  Will Herondale – The Infernal Devices, Cassandra Clare

I sort of like the asshole guys who refuse to fall in love…the dark, mysterious ones who you KNOW are totally in love, but who won’t for anything in the world admit it.  Will is good at this…but when he does finally admit it, and things go terribly wrong, he’s a total gentleman about it.

7.  Ash – The Iron Fey, Julie Kagawa

The one and only faery-boy I’ll admit to loving.  He has the dark, mysterious thing going for him… but the story fits with some Shakespeare and The Neverending Story, so he had plenty of opportunity to show himself as both interesting and determined in his pursuit of love.

8.  Lucas – Shadow Falls, C.C. Hunter

Werewolf with baggage… another of those dark, mysterious guys.  Are we sensing a theme here?  Yes?

9.  Patch – Hush Hush, Becca Fitzpatrick

Bad/good guy?  I’m still on the fence about WHY I like him… I just know that I do.

10.  Jared Ryel – Providence, Jamie McGuire

A protector and a vicious killer…fine by me.

Bonus Boyfriends (everyone should have some)!

Sirius Black – Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling  (yeah, I had some Misery-esque fantasies after his death)

Ponyboy Curtis – The Outsiders, S.E. Hinton

Stephan – Shades of London, Maureen Johnson

So, it's established that I like the very young, dark, mysterious bad boys... and don't really mind if they're killers, so long as they maintain impeccable taste and possess quick wit and charm in equal measures.  I also like the super-protective types.  Oh, and in most cases, the men I like aren't entirely human. 

The worst thing about this list is that I know I'm forgetting a few... and I'm going to remember and feel like a total jerk for forgetting.  Even though these are fictional men who will never know that they were slighted.  

Wait, no... the worst thing about this list is that they're fictional.  FML.

Milestone

A lot of parents think I'm absolutely crazy because of what I'm about to say, but...I'm fine with my kid sleeping in my bed.  Oliver has always slept in my bed.  When he was tiny, he had a little sleep positioner and I'd take him out to feed him a few times a night.  It was just the easiest way for both of us to get the most sleep every night.  My kid never cried in the middle of the night, and I was well-rested.  Eventually he outgrew the positioner, but stayed in my bed.  I figured I'd move him to his own bed when he weened, but he was nearly 3 then.  So, I decided I'd transition him at 3.  That didn't happen... he just got upset whenever we talked about sleeping in his own room.  Until last night, he slept in my bed.

The night before last he went to bed in his room, and stayed there until almost 3AM.  It was a big step, and I think I had more trouble sleeping than he did.  Had he not woken up and not been able to get back to sleep, he would have been fine in there all night.  Last night he went to bed in his room, after telling me that he hates his room and will not sleep in it... and I woke up at 12:30 and 4 and checked on him.  He was fine.  He came into my room just before 7 and told me he was done sleeping.

But...he crawled in bed with me and cuddled.  It was so sweet :)  I can't think of a better way to start a day. So he's achieved a milestone...moved on to his own room...and mom still gets cuddles.  I think I can deal with this.

I am going to have to get him a bigger bed, though.

Bittersweet Birthday

I went into labor at around 5:30PM on March 25, 2009.  I was watching the Simpsons and folding laundry.  No big deal.  Contractions 5 to 7 minutes apart.  I didn't figure that it'd take more than 10 or 12 hours.  I could manage.

I remember the drive to the hospital very clearly.  It was the 27th of March, 2009, and it felt like I'd been in labor for an eternity.  This wasn't a trip to labor and delivery, though; I was just going in for my weekly check-up hoping I'd progressed enough to be admitted.  The early afternoon sun shone through the windows, making me uncomfortably hot even with the AC on.  The radio played Michael Franti and Spearhead - Say Hey. The drive down Campbell was punctuated by contractions.

The walk into the hospital was slow...stopping occasionally for contractions.  There was a contraction in the elevator, another while signing in, and a couple while waiting.  At least all that contracting got me admitted.  It only took another day to finally get the boy out.

At 12:33PM on Saturday, March 28, 2009, I had my son.  Believe it or not, this is the first time I've done the math.  67 hours.  I've always said around 72, so I guess I should cut the kid some slack, right?  He looked a lot like Beldar Conehead at first, thanks to the suction cup.  Thankfully that wasn't permanent.  He was 8lbs 3ozs and 20 inches...10 fingers, 10 toes, chubby cheeks and blonde hair.  He was an absolutely perfect little human. :)

The first year passed much too quickly.  He was talking at 7 months - his first word was cat, his second was boob.  Not long after, he took his first steps in grandma's classroom.  He hasn't stopped moving since.  I cried when he turned one.

The aging stuff just doesn't stop.  I feel myself getting older, but it's not as shocking as the speed at which my son ages.  There should be a pause button.  There should be some way to slow down the first years....they're so full of wonder.  Even having been there for everything, I feel that I must have missed things.  Before I knew it, my little boy was not so little anymore.  He was doing things for himself, speaking in complete sentences, and forming opinions of his own.  And then he was two, and I cried again.

The journey to three cleaned up some of his language that'd previously been both hilarious and potentially embarrassing.  Long before turning three, he started saying bike instead of cock, and firetruck replaced firefuck.  He got his first haircut.  He went to a babysitter.  He held a baby chick.  He traveled to KS in a car to meet family.  He started liking movies (Puss in Boots was his favorite for a while).  He got taller, he got more outspoken, and he stayed cuddly and sweet.  And then he was three.  I cried.

Three was a year full of learning.  He mastered the potty, which was a milestone that made me happy.  No more diapers!  He started learning his letters and numbers, figured out how to use the computer by himself, and he started school.  He also began developing empathy - crying during sad parts of movies (Brave and Frankenweenie).  It broke my heart a little to see him so upset, but I also felt proud of him for his caring heart.  He's content to play outside all day.  A movie day works just as well.  Hulk is his favorite hero, and The Avengers is his favorite movie.  I really think both two and three deserve some extra time.  So much is going on...it seems unfair to rush.

Last night I cuddled my 3-year-old for the last time.  I gave him kisses and told him I love him, and felt unbelievably sad.  He really isn't a baby anymore.  As awesome as all his growing and developing is, and as much as I love the little boy he is, I can't help but miss the baby he was...and I can't help wanting time to slow down.

Today he's four, and I've only cried a little.

He's at school...having cupcakes and strawberries.  He'll go to his dad's for a bit after school, and when he comes home he'll have pizza, cake, and ice cream before opening the last of his presents.  My son is four.

I really want this to slow down.

Singles Day

While a good percentage of the population is currently enjoying a nice romantic dinner, I'm sitting here watching The Vampire Diaries with a freshly bathed kid on my lap.  He likes to watch me type :)

In my adult life, I've been single on Valentine's day more often than not...and generally, it's fine by me.  I think it was sometime last night, while I was thinking through my plans for today, that I realized there'll come a time in my life when I'll probably need to start dating.  I sort of decided that the time will come sometime between now and whenever Oliver would be embarrassed to call his mom his Valentine.  Not sure when that'll be... but I'm unprepared.

Despite limited experience, I'm pretty sure that the kid is the best Valentine ever.  :)

The Origin of Aphrodite

Most people have heard that Aphrodite was made from sea foam.  In fact, her name means "from the foam."  Honestly, until last week I had no idea where she came from, nor did I care.  Considering that this week is Valentine's Day and love is (hypothetically) in the air, I can't help but think a little bit about the Goddess of Love.

Origin stories are a lot of fun.  If you know where a person comes from, you have an idea of how she got where she is now.  Where you come from is important.  It also seemed at least a little important to the Greek Gods.  Of course there are numerous versions of these stories, as there are with all deities.  I'm taking my first ever mythology class right now and it's interesting, but I'm genuinely grossed out on a regular basis.  God behavior is so barbaric (though I suppose not much has changed, really...but I won't go there...now).  Let's just say that their parenting skills were sub-par and leave it at that.  Last week I was reading creation stories...the ultimate in origin stories, because they discuss the origin of everything.  I found Hesiod's origin stories the most interesting.

In the beginning, we had Gaia and Uranus...Earth and Sky.  They hooked up, possibly because there wasn't anyone else around, and started making beings.  All was good and fine for a while, but...eventually Gaia got tired of childbearing.  I mean, she was literally carrying these kids around...inside her.  So, she complained.  Eventually her youngest son, Cronus, felt bad enough to help her out.  Mother and son conspired to...make sure there wouldn't be any more kids.  Cronus castrated his father and threw his severed member into the sea.

That wasn't the end for the severed member, though.  When it landed in the sea, foam rose.  From that foam came Aphrodite.  How's that for the origin of the Goddess of Love???

Happy Valentine's Day...a little early.  

Missing...

Do you ever miss people that you don't think you have the right to miss?  I know that seems weird... like, who or what could give that right or take it away?  But, that's what I'm feeling today.  It's not a great feeling, because without any right to claim a feeling one way or the other about a particular individual, there's nothing I can do about it.  I can't call or text or write a letter that says, simply, "I miss you."  There were two people in my dreams last night that I haven't spoken to in a while.  I swear my subconscious likes to plague me with missing and longing randomly.  If I've been too happy or too detached (which is a pleasant state for me), it'll just show me something I want but can't have (see previous entry), or something I no longer have.

And, while I know this won't bring me any real peace, it's the most I can do for now.

Person 1 - I miss the way things were.  Those days are gone...and it's for the best for both of us.  That doesn't mean that I don't think of you sometimes... and it doesn't mean that I don't miss you.

Person 2 - I just miss you.

La Douleur Exquise

This is a quality that I seek when reading or watching TV or movies.  I want to feel that pain right along with the characters.  It's got to hurt... and the reasoning can't be something stupid or simple.  There needs to be a real issue (object of affection is dating your brother/best friend... object of affection is a blue and you're a red... object of affection is an alien or other supernatural being...).  It's always a 'hurts so good' kind of thing when experiencing this through the eyes of a character.

But... it isn't any fun at all in real life.  Trust me, I know.

The reasons for the differences are the rules of the story.  When you're watching or reading something, you know there are rules.  Writers follow the rules, because the person watching/reading the story has expectations.  If you don't live up to those expectations, you won't make it; your story will fail just moments before your career.  Fizzle...pop.  The expectation is simple: no pain, no gain.  The moment when they do kiss will be so perfect that ever bit of pain will have been worth it...But, the longer they draw it out, the better.  If they're still not madly in love AND together by the end of book 2 or the second season, you're in for the best finale ever.  I'm a fan of 'romantic tension' and will actually stop reading/watching if the relationships are too easy.

But... there are no such rules in real life.  We're all raised on stories and there is no real life equivalent.  When we're writing our lives, and the object of our affection is unattainable, no amount of suffering ensures a payoff in the end.  Even if the longing is deep, the moments you spend with your unattainable person charged with electricity, and the possibilities seemingly endless... in real life, unattainable is a much more final state.  Even if the reasons are stupid and petty, as they often are.  There is really very little to look forward to in real cases of unrequited love...or even just the unrequited crush.  :|  What I wouldn't give for a bit of the supernatural getting in the way...

"Oh, you're a werewolf?  I completely understand."  I'm calling to see if I can have you committed...

"Our families have been mortal enemies since the beginning of time...and something about dragons?  Okay, I get it."  Even though that might make you more attractive to me...except for that thing about dragons....

But what are the real reasons that average people face?  I don't care for that hairstyle... You aren't very tall...  we have different taste in music... are you really going to wear that?  I don't like your dog.  Your job isn't impressive.  You have debt and you aren't rich.

No spark.

No need.

I'm not sure unrequited would be any less painful if there were werewolves or aliens or multi-generational feuds involved...I'm not even saying that it'd have that kind of awesome tension that exists in fiction... but I am saying it'd be more interesting.  This is why I like fiction so much.

And also why I find real life so insufferably boring sometimes.

100 Things That Make Me Happy! ....Plus.

1.  My kid, of course.  He's hilarious and sweet...and he's the perfect kid for me :)

From here on, the order is random.

2.  Coffee...preferably a good latte.
3.  An extra 5 or 10 minutes in a warm bed on a cold morning.
4.  Fresh strawberries.
5.  Fun socks.
6.  Coloring...with or without the kid.
7.  My Vibram FiveFinger shoes.
8.  Fresh-from-the-dryer blankets.
9.  Hoodies.
10.  Pasta...multi-colored pasta.
11.  Potatoes.
12.  My Kindle.
13.  The entire contents of my Kindle, and every book that I will ever add in the future.
14.  Book hangover.
15.  A shared moment of understanding.
16.  Seeing someone I haven't seen in a while.
17.  Freshly-bathed kid scent.
18.  Zombie slippers.
19.  Smoothies.
20.  Warm sunny days in the middle of winter.
21.  Monsoons.
22.  Fourth of July...for the fireworks!
23.  Halloween.
24.  Parades.
25.  Vivid dreams... the kind that stick with me all day.
26.  A text from the right person at the right time.
27.  Hand-written notes.
28.  Butterflies...preferably the kind in my stomach, though I'm not opposed to the flying kind.
29.  Atheist groups.
30.  Snowy mountains in the distance.
31.  The sounds newborns make.
32.  Cute baby animals.
33.  Fresh baked bread.
34.  Homemade pizza/soups/anything.
35.  Cupcakes.
36.  Cookies.
37.  Unexpected allies.
38.  Smart people.
39.  Good conversation.
40.  Learning something.
41.  Colorful things.
42.  Happy people.
43.  Natural building.
44.  Architecture/design.
45.  Goodreads.
46.  Taking walks.
47.  Nature.
48.  Sudafed...related: breathing.
49.  Laughter...anyone's will do.
50.  People watching.
51.  When my son comes home.
52.  Lots of blankets and pillows.
53.  Air conditioning/heat.
54.  Calm.
55.  Summer evenings.
56.  Summer smells (bbqs, pool toys and chlorine, freshly mowed lawns, jasmine and honeysuckle)
57.  Spring...everything about it.
58.  Crisp mornings.
59.  Sunsets and sunrises.
60.  Cheeseburgers.
61.  Any time the kid learns something.
62.  Long showers.
63.  Internet access.
64.  The way coffee shops smell (actually coffee shops, not Starbucks - no lack of love, it's just different)
65.  YA shows  (PLL, TVD).
66.  YA books.
67.  Romantic tension...in real life and fiction.
68.  Talking to people about good books.
69.  Inspiration.
70.  Writing until my hands cramp, without stopping to edit.
71.  Editing.
72.  Dark Chocolate.
73.  That moment when ALL the laundry is done, right before it's not done anymore.
74.  Trees.
75.  Iced tea.
76.  Nag Champa incense.
77.  Finishing things.
78.  Pictures.
79.  When the only light in a room comes from an xmas tree.
80.  When the only light in a room comes from a candle.
81.  Hearing the right song at the right time.
82.  Scent memories.
83.  Anticipation.
84.  Tattoos.
85.  Serotonin/dopamine/oxytocin/acetylcholine
86.  My back yard.
87.  Kid art.
88.  The smell of crayons.
89.  Secrets...confessions...sharing.
90.  Seeing certain people smile...particularly if the smiles are for me.
91.  Lotion.
92.  Nail polish.
93.  Popcorn.
94.  Salsa.
95.  Daydreaming
96.  Being told that something I've done is good.
97.  People doing nice things for others.
98.  Anyone who goes out of his/her way for me...even for something little.
99.  Silence with someone...that isn't awkward.
100.  Looks that say more than words.

Bonus!  Cuties...the little oranges.  And pineapples.  And disinfecting wipes.  And green.  And ideas that keep me up.



Plus...some things that piss me off... (this is a very mild list...)
1.  Not knowing I have a cut until I use hand sanitizer.
2.  Stupid people.
3.  Most people being anywhere near me...my personal space bubble is HUGE.
4.  Anyone who thinks that cologne/perfume can be used in place of bathing and deodorant.
5.  Getting home from the store and realizing I forgot the one thing I went there to get...
6.  Strawberry seeds.
7.  The ability of a child to completely destroy a room in under a minute...and the fact that it takes longer than that to clean it up.
8.  The dishes don't wash themselves.
9.  Dinner doesn't cook itself.
10.  The laundry doesn't put itself away.
11.  The toys don't pick themselves up.

Search History

This is so true that I've actually said it...on numerous occasions.  The problem is mostly a writing problem, but it's compounded by living with an inquisitive almost-4-year-old.  He wants to know if cockroaches poop and I need to know how long it takes to bleed to death from a properly-slit wrist, and factors that could increase effectiveness of this particular suicide method.  I bet I also looked up some cookie or cupcake recipe that day.  I may also have looked into the history of manslaughter laws...and vehicular homicide vs. manslaughter...

Then there are the days when I decide to go through popular (and not so popular) conspiracy theories for story ideas.  The craziest stuff makes for good fiction....the fact that some people believe it makes it better.  Viewing every possible website about chem trails is normal, right?

What's a good synonym for agony?  And what kind of pliers should be used when removing fingernails?

Being a hypochondriac adds another interesting layer to this.  Do I have brain cancer?  What are the chances of having a stroke while driving?  Would those chances be higher or lower if there was heavy traffic? Is this mole cancerous?  Is it possible to be allergic to everything?

What's another word for worry?  Why do people commit suicide?

"Mom, what's that thing hanging in your throat?"  Uvula research.

And yes, I did pin 342 recipes.

And then read book reviews on Goodreads for 3 hours... (nevermind the simultaneous searching for .epub or .mobi files).  I need another word for obsession.

Baby name sites.

Is it possible to be scared to death?

There was that day when I went through hundreds of mugshot pictures, trying to figure out if it was possible to tell the severity of the crime by the look of the criminal.  It's possible.  For the record, don't trust people who smile...there's usually a trail of bodies behind it.

Why do people care about...anything?

Body language.  It's important to know what people are really thinking...but this is also excellent for creating believable characters.  Lying is down and to the left, right?  How would an evil person sit?  How would a shy person walk into a room?  All the different reasons a person might avoid eye contact....

How often are missing persons found?  How often are they alive??  How many serial killers are active at any given time?  Read serial killer life stories.

How and where do people usually die?

From what height would a person have to fall to die?  What kinds of injuries could be expected at 10ft? 15? 25?

Many stops a Facebook... but then, that's totally normal.

Check horoscope.  Create natal charts for serial killers, celebrities, characters in books...

Trash truck videos.  HOURS of trash truck videos....followed by hours of kids making erasers that look like fast food or Asian cartoon characters.

Atheist groups.  Science blogs.  Reddit.  May as well lock me up now.  It's probably good that I don't know how to hack anything...

Who hates Apollo?

Phonics... lots of phonics.  A is for Apple.  B is for Boy.  V is for Vacuum.  M is for monotony.

How long does it take to die when shot?  Ideally, I'd find a chart similar to a meat cut chart, and the different locations of the shot would be labeled with approximate time to die... click for additional factors that may increase or decrease time.  Because there is no such chart, a lot of research must be done.

Failed search for song using only 3 words.  Successful search using "that song at the end of ______" or "that song when ______ did ______".....then listening to that song 20 times.

Cute pictures of baby animals.  Research on the stages of grief.  S.A.D...A.D.D... O.C.D....Natalie Dee...a, b, c, d, e, f, g....back to the phonics pages.

Okay, maybe it wouldn't be THAT bad...but I'm sure my sanity would be called into question.  Whatever the case, keep this in mind for me:

Aversion Therapy

Some people wear rubber bands around their wrists and snap themselves when they have an inappropriate thought or do some undesirable behavior.  I'm not much for rubber band therapy... but am no stranger to the overall concept of aversion therapy.  Do or think bad...punishment follows.  My punishments are typically logical thoughts following the illogical/bad thoughts.  I very rarely do anything bad these days.  For the most part, logic wins and I don't have useless thoughts for long.  Sometimes it's extremely simple... so simple that the second part of the thought can cancel the first.  For example: he's really hot...except for that neck tattoo.  

Apparently there's a down side to prolonged use of aversion therapy, though...  Once you've gone through the logical thoughts...a few dozen times...to no avail, they cease to mean anything at all.  I can tell myself an honest, logical truth...and immediately dismiss it for the more favorable/interesting bad thought.  Eventually I'll skip the logical part altogether...because maybe he looks good in turtlenecks, and that IS a book he's holding...  If I'm reminded of it somehow (this is Arizona and no one wears a turtleneck when it's 110 out), I push it out of my mind immediately (everywhere is air conditioned..and he can read).  This is a conditioning thing.  Clearly I'm able to ignore myself...go against my best interests...to satisfy my hedonistic fleeting desires...anything with a neck tattoo would be fleeting.  Clearly my punishments aren't good enough...or I'm just not able to trick myself.  I'm guessing the latter.  Either way, this is a side-effect that I sort of anticipate.  If I want something bad enough, no amount of reasoning will change my mind.  The want becomes a need...and then there's no turning back.

There is a side-effect that I didn't expect, though.  I had no idea there'd be a subconscious...leaking...of desire.  I can do avoidance - physically and emotionally.  I can remind myself time and time again that thinking/doing/seeing/etc. will lead to suffering on some profound level.  That's good enough for me because I don't like suffering, especially not over and over again for the same reason... so keeps the avoidance going strong.  Sadly, I have no control over my subconscious.  Now I have dreams about the things I avoid.  The dreams are vivid and emotionally charged, and they're impossible to forget.  I'll spend an entire day in a dream haze...and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

And the absolute worst thing about all of it is that my dreams are almost always a million times better than the reality of any situation.  They're better than the best possible outcomes.  It's not a reiteration of the logical side of things... it's what would never happen, even in the best of circumstances, if the illogical thoughts/actions were the right choices - they're dreams in more than one sense.  There was a time recently when I dreamed of cheeseburgers most nights.  It was the result of not being able to eat greasy foods without pain (gallbladders are not fun when they misbehave).  I thought about foods that I wanted, but never gave in because the pain wasn't worth it.  I was so consumed with what I couldn't have that it seeped into my subconscious and flooded my dreams.  I still can't really have the foods I want, but my mind has given me a cheeseburger break.  Guess it has bigger issues to sort out... and leave me reeling from all day.

Not that I'm complaining...not really...I love the dreams.  It's like living an alternate life.  If only there weren't that little bit of disappointment that comes with waking up...

To-Do...Today

I hate it when I have a huge list of things I want to do, but I'm scatterbrained...and sort of going from one thing to another without finishing anything (story of my life, right?).  Today, I need to do the following:

- Go to the store.
- Clean floors (living room, kitchen, bathroom).
- Pay bills.
- Check school site...because I don't know when the semester starts.  I've already gotten all that I need about one character from the textbook, so I'm feeling less interested in taking mythology...but still more interested in mythology than I've ever been.  Guess that's a good sign...
- Get at least one pile of yard trash into the trash can.
- Laundry.
- Make a meatloaf.
- Read....a lot.
- Finish the bio I've been working on for this blog.  In case you haven't noticed, the blog looks different, and I added a short character study style bio last week.  The bio I'm working on is a HUGE thing, complete with pictures from birth until now.
- Take more Motrin and work out...at least a little.
- Repaint toenails.

There are probably a few things I'm forgetting.  And naturally I'm being distracted by Rachael Ray (who had PLL cast members today).  When this is over, there's a PLL marathon...and a new episode tonight.

Oliver goes back to school tomorrow, so it might be better to leave some of this until then. At least I've written it down...which is actually more than I figured I'd get done :)  Maybe I'll just add it to the other to-do list that I keep in my phone.  Maybe I'll just turn the computer off.

A First Sunday

This is the first Sunday that Oliver has spent at his dad's in a while.  It's been odd.  I had a moderate freak out moment in Walmart when I realized my cart contained no kid.  I remembered quick enough that there was no screaming or running around frantically...

Then, for whatever reason (I'm pleading blonde moment) I spent a few hours fairly certain that it was Friday.  I only just realized, for the second time, that it is Sunday.

Anyway... the new year has treated me well so far.  I'm making progress on all of my resolutions :)  Oliver sorted the laundry...and I'm learning that letting go is active rather than passive.  I've been reasonably friendly and open with the people I know...only snapped at one person (who deserved it) and I've had no occasion to bite my tongue...or later regret having done so.  I've only finished reading one book, but have every intention of finishing another today.  I've spent less time on Facebook and, as a result, more time outside.  My hands kind of ache today from excessive yard work yesterday.  I'm sort of fine with that.  Oliver will happily stay outside for as long as I let him...and yard work keeps me occupied while he plays in the dirt.  He actually helped rake yesterday :)  I've dealt with insurance and will be dealing with a doctor in the near future... and as much as I dread it, I'm looking forward to getting it over with.

The I button on my laptop is uneven... kind of sticking.  This is the price I pay for letting Oliver use the laptop.  He really likes his tablet, though...I put a bunch of matching games on it and he is awesome at them :)

The only one of my resolutions that I've made no progress at so far is finishing something.  I can't even find some of my note cards :\  I don't think that finishing happens overnight, though.  I need to learn to focus on one thing at a time.  I had this awesome new idea running around in my head all of last week...I even started outlining.  That idea had cut off the story I was working on previously.  Today one of my textbooks arrived and I got sidetracked by the story that goes with this book.  I'm taking a mythology class to get to know these characters better...and to figure out who'd hate them enough to want them to suffer.  Dieties are fickle and petty, it seems...so probably any of them for any reason. I'm being vague... and I shouldn't be... but it's tough to explain without telling the whole story right now...and it's impossible to do even that, since I don't know the whole story yet :)

Anyway... the projects I'm currently working on, in the order that I started working on them (* means working title): Dead Girl*, Whisper, Apollo and Aysel*.  Whisper is taking up the most of my attention right now, because no one is formally named...and because, of all the plots, it's the least complex and therefore the easiest to write.  Thing is, I can't write until everyone is named.

I've also been giving a lot of thought to the project I started a while back...it continues to give me trouble.  I'm beyond frustrated with it.  And I'm also doubting the name of my main guy.  It suits him, but only one side of him...and I think the name might belong somewhere else, in some other story.  I chose the name, but then changed the direction of the story...slightly...and now the name feels too...earthy.

I spend a lot of time on names.  The wrong name can ruin a story... I'll actually stop reading something if the names piss me off (seriously, don't give all your characters random one-syllable names like Lox and Pim and Gat...I don't care what the setting is, that shit is annoying).

My bread is done...

See, I wasn't even able to focus on one thing for this entry... :)  There's a good chance that I'm hopeless...at least in this respect.

First Post in a While...Last for the Year!

How do I spend NYE?  Typically, I hide in my house and avoid contact with people.  Oliver is with his dad tonight, so I took the tree down and watched some Criminal Minds.

So, since I'm not a NYE person, it should go without saying that I'm not a resolution person.  Really, I can't recall the last time I made resolutions on NYE, or any other time. It's not like I don't set goals...I just don't make resolutions.  There was some study done on resolutions made on NYE, and like...all of them were broken. Someone said something about them being a sure-fire way of setting yourself up for failure.  For the most part, that's always how I've seen them.  Thing is, I've done plenty of failing all on my own, without the aid of resolutions.  Perhaps for someone like myself resolutions aren't destined for failure.  And in any case, what could it hurt?

So here goes....my first list of resolutions in a very long time:

1.  Let go.  Seriously.  I've spent the better part of the last year wasting time and emotion on a person who isn't the least bit deserving of my attention.  My subconscious may do as it pleases...I have no control over it...but the rest of me is well within my control.  I'm not even saying that I'll remove this person from my life.  I'm just not going to give a damn anymore.  It's not worth the ups and downs.  And, at the same time, I need to be more real in the relationships I have that matter...I need to let people in... allow people to know me, not just about me.  I also need to treat people more as people and less as character studies or psychological research projects.  And one more thing in this area...be fucking honest.  So many issues in the last few months could have been cleared up if I'd just said exactly what I was thinking or asked the things that would have cleared things up.

2.  Finish something.  I'm not even concerned about WHAT I finish at this point...just that I FINISH something.  Anything.  Really.  I have 4 projects in the works right now, all in various stages...and many more ideas that are just hanging around waiting to sidetrack me at any moment.  I look at my stacks of note cards and can just see myself turning into my father.  One of the first arguments I ever heard he and my mother have had to do with a 3-legged deer painting.  My mom was furious that my dad had unfinished paintings everywhere...the most annoying of which was a 3-legged deer.  My books are just like that damn deer.  I need to stop this before it gets any worse.

3.  Read 50 books.  I have more than 50 that I haven't read, so this shouldn't be a challenge... :)

4.  Be proactive about my health.  The last couple months have kind of sucked, and I'm just getting tired of feeling awful all the time.  So, that'll end.  I shouldn't be so scared of docs, but...I am.  I just don't like 'em...and I don't like the thought of medical testing or procedures of any kind, or medication.

5.  Less time on Facebook.  This one should be fairly self-explanatory.

And one that's not just for me...
6.  Teach Oliver some basic little kid skills...like how to make himself one meal, how to put away his clothes, how to sort the laundry... get him better at phonics...he's so good already, but I'd really like it if he could do some basic reading by the end of the year.

There's that.  I could probably have added some other things to that, but....I'm new to this.  Six seems like a good place to start.  Wonder if I'll remember having written this in a year so that I can check my progress.  Someone want to remind me in a year??

There's No Place Like Home....

It's finally over.

The last week was one that needed to happen, despite all my reluctance to let it.  I'm now absolved of any guilt I could have possible felt from saying that I won't ever go back there.  It was a horrible week full of all the things that demonstrate so very clearly how I just don't fit there...and how I never will...and how happy that makes me.  It feels good to let go.

It's weird to learn a lesson that I'm planning to teach a character I'm writing...and weird that I'm learning it so late in the game.  While it's true that there is "no place like home," that home is not necessarily the place you were born or raised; it's the place you make your home.  I'm using the word "place" wrong, I guess... I mean the people, too.  Technically, KS should be my home...and in that sense another saying is true, no matter that its contradictory: "you can't go home again."

It's also nice to see home for the first time...again...every once in a while.

Apples and Trees

Fairly recently I made some derogatory comment about apples and where they fall in relation to trees... and I'm pretty sure it had something to do with one of Romney's douchebag kids.  While I don't take that back, I think that the last couple days have shown me just how far apples can fall.  I'm sitting in Middle of Nowhere, KS, giving some serious thought to my family orchard.

It's like...at one time there was a hilltop covered in little trees that were my ancestors... and for the most part, they all stuck to the hilltop.  My parents may have been born on the hilltop, but in time they were located somewhere on the side of the hill... and little apple me, having never been anywhere near the top of that hill, fell...rolled down the side of the hill, fell off a cliff and into a river, and then floated all the way to the ocean...where I floated in and out with the tide for a while before coming to rest in the sand in some sunny, beautiful place.  I'm like... a beach apple.  I see so little of myself in my family...apart from my mother, and to some smaller extent, my father.  The important thing here is that...I'm glad.  I don't mean to be talking shit, but it's just that...I can't imagine what I would be like if I held such horrifying beliefs.  I can't fathom what would lead anyone to the REALLY think the things I've heard in the last day.

And yes, I did (stupidly) watch a little of the presidential debate with family.  I knew better.  I didn't make it very long, and ended up with the kind of headache that comes with nausea.  Not exactly worth it.

I'm sitting in the only coffee place in this little town... which is an odd improvement over home - I'm not sitting in Safeway.  AND they have wifi, which is good since my phone says I've reached my data limit.  The place is cute... wood floors, tin ceiling, exposed stone wall (not brick...i can't remember what it's called, but pretty much all the old buildings here are made from it).  The only problem I have with this place is that it closes at 3:30... who does that??  It's a terrible time to close.  Normally, I'd be sitting here with my headphones in...no music...listening to the conversations around me.  Considering where I am, I think it's best if I avoid eavesdropping.  I know it'll take little time for me to end up horrible offended, and I'm trying really hard to behave while I'm here... at least behave well enough to not end up lynched.  Opening my mouth in a public place would prove dangerous.

There's also an archery shop right across the street....

Ok... I should do my homework before this place closes...

Also,

And I apologize for the intentionally vague nature of most of this... but I find it frustrating when my deep, foundational beliefs are challenged and found to be lacking.

No, I don't believe in any deities.  Sorry if you got your hopes up...as I know some of you did.

It's just that perhaps I'm  not the pacifist I have always thought myself to be... and the challenging aspect of this is that it's a side of myself that I've been shying away from for some time...yet I've been unwilling to admit my own changes even to myself.  It's only in the last weeks that I've actively sought the changes...rather than passively searching out the possibilities online.

What do you do when you really want to do something that goes against everything you've ever believed?  And what do you do when...you do it.  And like it.  I spent too much time justifying this before acting... and it brought me a lot of peace...but I am still stumbling a little.

It's good for me.  Change is good.  It wasn't a bad foundation, but it's served its purpose and now I need a new one.  Reconciling the acceptance of this new side of myself into the hippie mold I've always lived in will take some time.

Over-analyzing is tiring.  Why am I unable to over-analyze in just one area of my life at a time???

And no, it's not a bdsm thing...I've read over this a couple times and every time it seems worse.  I just want to shoot things with arrows.  Nothing that's alive.

Good Days Cause Bad Days.

I should have known better than to revel in the pleasure of a few good days.  That sort of thing rarely lasts... and when it falls apart, it falls apart in a really destructive way...destroying foundations that were in place long before the good days.  It's like a toddler playing with blocks; all I can do is sit back and watch as the towers fall.  Fitting for this time of year, right?

I'm sitting here now, listening to gentle rain and feeling like my heart, along with various other body parts, have been torn to bits and put in a jar with rusty razor blades and barbed wire and salt, shaken, and then poured into a fancy glass over hot coals.  When things are already pissing me off, my memory has a way of connecting things that may or may not actually be related, and then spiraling out of control.  Damn synapses. I've had 3 nights of difficult sleeping... I never sleep well on Mondays, but I have no good excuse for the next two nights.  The way my brain is working right now, I can't count on more than 4 or 5 hours tonight.  This is wearing on me.  And the fact that it's 7:18 and Oliver has been asleep since returning from his dad's means this might be a long night in more than one way.

And...when I'm worn down, I shouldn't listen to music.  It just speeds those possibly-false connections along even faster, and I end up sitting on an ottoman for an hour turning over my unnecessary thoughts.  I don't like having some of the thoughts I've had today...and I really don't like applying "what if" to situations that, years ago, were way outside of what ifs.  I cherish my memories, but sometimes I wish they were unavailable for over-analyzing years later.  I think I should say yes more, and spend more time as far from my comfort zone as possible... but after today, I think I'll be spending some time hiding out and licking my self-inflicted wounds.  Wonder how long it'll take...

If Oliver hadn't started school, I wouldn't have time for all this thinking.  He's doing great at school, though.  Loves it.

But...anyway.  What should I do with the mood I'm in right now?  Use it against myself...because under normal circumstances I would not share my homework with anyone outside my class (and I'll only share it there because it's required).  I wrote a poem.  We all know how I feel about poetry.  The writing process was upsetting and emotionally exhausting.  My book dredged up all sorts of uncomfortable and painful memories, but then told me to discard them if they were too painful to write about.  That seemed very inauthentic...why would I want to be emotionally dishonest in my work?  There's nothing real about avoiding the things that make me uncomfortable...and I want the things that I write to feel real.  Anyway... I'm sharing my super-depressing poem with you...whoever you are...in all its trivial glory.

November

The gray morning hung outside the window

Like some limp sheet

Wet from days of autumn rain

Stray leaves were plastered to the glass

Some trailed through the house

Its doors open to the elements

Its doors open to let out the smell

The leaden sky muted the world

“He always talked about you, wondered how you grew up.

He hoped the world never got to you.”

I sat at the table, empty

Tapping a pen on a notepad

My eyes fixed on the stained coffee cup

The one that stood beside the coffee pot

Full and waiting

Hot until it was cold

For a week, maybe two

“I want his coffee cup,” his best friend said. 

“That’s all I want.  Something to remember him by… we had coffee on Sundays.”

I made a list of little trinkets

Memories for others to hold on to

Gathered these artifacts on the table

And I made a list of to-dos

Check the attic for marijuana

Find bank statements and bills

Call biohazard cleaners about the smell

“We’ve never had a turn-out like this.  Standing room only. 

He touched a lot of people.”

Find address book

Send thank-you notes

See lawyer

Which copy of this manuscript is the newest?

Probably the one on the coffee table,

Half face-down with notes

“That walnut is special, don’t throw it away.

It was his pet.  It had a name, but I don’t remember it.”

Box up a life

Put it in storage

Or don’t, because the smell will linger

The choking sweetness

A smell you’d know as death

Even if you’d never smelled it before

Which memory would I pick to keep?

Which borrowed memory of this man I did not know?

“He took the strings off the guitar.  He always said that if it had strings,

It would distract him and he’d never get anything done.”

But today it had strings

And I remembered a golden summer evening

The last rays of sun warming my tanned skin

My little white sundress billowing in the wind

Chasing fireflies

My father on the back steps, guitar in hand

And his smile as he sang


And now I feel all the things I felt before...and also exposed.  Oh well.  Here's to now and don't look back (says Better Than Ezra)... Here's to honesty.

Fuck.

It's been a long day...

My little one started preschool today, and I think he handled it better than I did.  He was screaming and collapsed on the floor at one point, if that tells you anything.  I know this is one of those things he has to do, and that it'll be good for him...but I missed my little boy.  I found myself wishing I'd had more time with him when he was a baby, or really, that he'd been a baby for a lot longer.  One childhood just doesn't seem like enough...

I love all that he's becoming and I'm proud to be his mom :)